I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
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The umbrella was going to be called brella, but the inventor hesitated.
Wonders if chickens do the funky people.
me at 26: i am a hideous troll
me at 28: *looking at a picture of myself at 26* wow what beauty i once possessed but i wasted it because now i am a hideous troll
me at 30: *looking at a picture of myself at 28* guys, you’re not gonna believe this,
POLICE: Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
ME: Jealous much?
Ten out of ten pigs prefer turkey bacon over regular bacon.
So Nicolas Cage and John Travolta walk into a bar and the bartender says “hey, why the wrong face?”
My advice for new parents is that when you feed your child their first chicken nugget to go ahead and start preparing your answer to the question “is this chicken like the animal chicken?” cause that moment is coming.
This day in history. 1887. A farmer in Montana claimed he found a 15 inch long snowflake and his wife said that means it was about 3 inches.
ME: mom we’re out of eggs again!
MOM: it’s ok, there’s cereal
[later]
ME: *throwing cheerios at the mean neighbor’s house* this sucks
Maybe Tailgate wants to be banged. Did you ask? You don’t know.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
We’ve taught our puppy to ring a bell whenever she’s wants to go outside so it basically sounds like a Salvation Army Training Facility in here.
Well, the Fourth of July is over, you know what that means… time for the stores to start putting out their Christmas stuff…
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
*shaves, waxes lip, plucks eyebrows*
Okay, weigh me now.
Airline just told my GF she has too much baggage & they’ve only known her a couple of minutes.
Receptionist:
“That lady in the waiting room is picking her nose.”Plastic Surgeon:
“Good! That’ll save me some time. Send her right in.”
If you’re not careful with those, you’ll shoot your eye out.
*points to Spanx*
My therapist after every session
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
I adopted a rock.
He just sits there and does nothing all day.
It still beats raising Kylo.
HR said that me trying to woo a colleague with a banjo is not what “challenge yourself in the workplace” actually meant.
Me, at a romantic movie: pffft like that would ever happen
Me, at any other genre movie: YES I ABSOLUTELY ACCEPT THIS OUTLANDISH SCENARIO
There are two rules in life:
1) Never give out all the information.
Marriage is like, “I can’t believe you would do this” and “this” is just folding a towel in half instead of thirds.
[to the murderer hiding in the backseat of my car]
neither this car nor this murder will go anywhere until you put your seatbelt on, mister
Life keeps reminding me that I have no idea what I’m doing