My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
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A Starbucks was robbed at gunpoint this afternoon. The culprits are still at venti.
Your call is important to us…unless this is Bob again, calling to say ‘I CAN believe it’s not butter.’ We’re sick of your shit, Bob.
[helping son with math]
Me: Problem one…(reading)…ok…(reads #2)…(reads #3)…(keeps reading)…ask your teacher for help tomorrow
I will not buy ornamental gourds this year!
I WILL NOT BUY GOURDS!*buys all the gourds (and a hay bale)
Today my son put on a new roll of toilet paper for the very first time. He is 19.
Went to a Halloween party at the zoo, the animals were dressed as sexy people.
We live by the school and my tween’s friends keep dropping by for food. Like I’m a full blown adult and somehow middle schoolers are still taking my lunch.
trying to carry a pet to bed is like moving a dense liquid that’s annoyed by you
Customer next to me at pharmacy counter: What are you taking those for?
Me: To control my homicidal rage at nosy people.
Customer: …
Did the math. Facebook is worth $100 billion and with 800 million users that puts the value of a life at $12.50. Never pay a hitman more.
Thanks, Word-Of-The-Day, I’m already familiar with “plateau.”
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.
Torches were originally called “roamin’ candles” No, YOU shut up!
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
I’m gonna start sending women unsolicited pizza pics.
what’s my dream career? the guy who bakes chickens and hides them in the walls in castlevania. next question
Therapist: Let’s go back to the start.
Me: OK, so my parents met in university…
T: No I mean the start of your problems.
M: Oh ok, so the universe expanded from an initial state of extremely high density and high temperature…
I’m surprised more killers haven’t lured their victims into their houses by blind folding them and promises of being on a febreze commercial
At Toys R Us:
TRU: Yessir?
Me: I want a light saber.
TRU: We have basic to advanced, how old is your
grandson?Me: 40ish
Don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to like asking your toddler what’s in his pocket
Always remember –
If you’re having a conversation with somebody that doesn’t speak English, just talk louder.
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
6 was jealous about other kids getting notes in their lunches, so I put one in his:
“Sorry, I ate your pudding. Love, Dad.”
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
He died doing what he loved, annoying the hell out of me and not believing I would stab him.
It’s fine that my wife plans beach vacations every year around Shark Week but only referring to me as “chum” while we’re there is a bit much.