Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
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I’ll write I’ll write I’ll write.
He died doing what he loved.
Taking a french fry off my plate.
“You stand accused of 3 counts of first degree murder.”
“Look, I’m a lot of things–”
“Are you a murderer?”
[bites lower lip]
“Little bit.”
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
you: weird flex but ok
an intellectual: odd gloat but understandable nonetheless
me, a genius: peculiar boast but alas
me logging onto twitter
[at urinal in restaurant bathroom]
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: No
Him: …
Me: I go into the stall for that
No human will ever understand humiliation like a dog who happens to run into a wolf while wearing a sweater.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
My kid microwaved a fork. My dog barked at an Amazon Prime box for 4 hours. Just waiting for the third verse of my country song.
Me: We had ice cream in honor of you today
Dad (in heaven): Did you eat a half gallon in one sitting?
Me: No
Dad: Amateur
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
I’d like to think my children have so much more to learn from me but my son asked me how big the sun is and I replied with “big” so chances are I’ve already taught them everything I know.
I think I married someone else’s soulmate. I wish they’d come get him.
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
I’ve eaten so many cheeseburgers, my hula hoop is just a fancy waist bracelet.
I want to be cremated and put into a tiny casket and have 4 raccoons as pall bearers.
I’m killing this last will and testament.
[Old west saloon owner]: make it so the floorboards don’t creak when regular patrons walk in but do creak when a mysterious stranger walks in
Carpenter: …what
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
ME: i love you
HER: i love you too
ME: …ok wow i put my heart on the line and you’re telling me your favorite band
Cop: can u describe your attacker
Me: super aggressive, with a big nose & powerful arms
Cop: u just described a seagull
Me: he took my chips
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Called this psychic hotline today but a woman answered the phone saying “how can I help you?” So I hung up and tried another one.
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
If I ever had a wedding I would give certain guests a “-1” where they get to pick another guest and disinvite them
Me: I’d like to bring my puppy in to see how much she weighs.
Vet: Just weigh yourself then weigh yourself holding her and subtract.
Me: no thank you
I walked outside and my glasses fogged up so I went inside to switch to contacts and stay there until October.
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Me: [talking out loud while I write in my diary] today was ok, I just wish I could have eaten more breadsticks
Waiter: *sighs* sir would you like more breadsticks