Twitter is a good place to meet men. The odds are good but the goods are odd.
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Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
Hear me out:
Instead of The Bachelor giving out roses to the women, he gives them each a roll of toilet paper.
This is where we’re at, people.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Hmm. Nissan Altima TV commercial boasts NASA inspired zero-gravity seats. But if you’re in zero gravity, you don’t need seats
News: Hillary won the debate!
My friends: Bernie won the debate!
Trump: I won the debate!
Huckabee: Asian people eat dogs!
What’s the difference between a sweater and a jacket.
You wear a jacket when you’re cold.
You wear a sweater when your mum is cold.
#SweaterDay #RubbishJokes
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
My 2yo definitely has a future in the restaurant industry, she always waits until I’ve got a mouthful of food, then asks me a question!
Me: what’s in these shots
Doctor: buddy I just work here
I miss the days when Twitter fights were about whether to pour the milk first or the cereal.
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
When I said “Leave me and save yourselves” I did not expect them to agree so quickly
Me in my 20’s: Naive af.
Me in my 40’s: Same af.
The IRS will never call, text, or e-mail just to ask if you’ve got plans to do something fun this weekend.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
We just got new neighbors and if they play their cards right I won’t know anything about them just like what’s-his-name that lived there before them.
alexa, make my husband understand me like your amazon targeted ads do
Cupcakes are amazing, because holding a full size cake up to your face isn’t socially acceptable for some reason.
My hips don’t lie because they be like, “Fool, you gonna need some ibuprofen tonight after thinking you could play tag with your kids.”
She thinks I drink all day when she’s at work. I don’t… I stop just before she gets home
May you never lose your sense of wonder.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
reasons my cat is yowling:
-she doesn’t want the food in her bowl
-she wants to be picked up
-she wants to be put back down
-she wants to play
-she doesn’t want her toys touched
-the mantelpiece is not high enough
-it’s raining
-the universe is large & she is its queen
Is it even the holidays if you don’t have at least one person wearing an inappropriate and inflammatory political shirt to dinner?
I accidentally left the cabinet above my fridge open and the kid spotted my secret jellybeans
Orange: Knock knock
Apple: Who’s there?
O: Orange
A: Orange who?
O: Orange you glad I didn’t say Banana?
A: Yes! That guy is the WORST!
I don’t remember your name, chick I worked with one time, but I will never stop telling people about how you asked me:
What even are olives, like a fish or something?