@funnybeachgirl: "I'M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!" (Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)

@abbycohenwl: Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor? Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help M: My son broke his leg! V: Ok hang on. My rifle's in the truck

@rolldiggity: 1. Take dozens of pictures of yourself sleeping. 2. Put them in coworker's drawer. 3. "WHAT THE HELL IS THIS?!?!"

@ZingingCutie: If I end up on life support, feel free to pull the plug.. However, if I'm charging my phone, stay the hell away from the outlet.

@ashleycrem: If pharmaceutical companies have taught me anything, they've taught me that people with life threatening illnesses love to hike.