@_MustBeArkaydia: Twitter is all fun and games until you get that text asking what that tweet was about.
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@Pro_Jones_: Kids: *jumping on me* WAKE UP Me: I'm woke Kids: How woke? Me: We're putting Harriet Tubman on something that enslaves us all today.
@Kraz60: Of course I believe you are God's gift to women. He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
@SteveSuckington: [wife gets home & sees shit on the rug] What's this? "It was Rover he w.." *dog makes throat slice gesture* "It was me. I shit on the rug"