@jasonlight73: After my date orders, I always tell the waiter "Nothing for me..I'll be eating later" Then wink at my date & raise my eyebrows suggestively!

@2tickytacky: I generally don't trim my ear hair until it effects my peripheral vision.

@MatCro: [restaurant] ME: Do you have updog? WAITER: [sighs] No sir M: Ok, is this gluten free? W: No you have to pay for it M: Damn you're good

@Shut_up_Marissa: Me: I'm so tired. Phone: Put me down and go to sleep. Me and Phone: HAHAHAHAHA!

@Thynebear: Where do you see yourself in five years? Me: In a mirror probably unless new technology exists. [interviewer thinking] holy smokes he's good