Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
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LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD: grandma what big eyes you have
WOLF: u really think I look like ur grandma? I should eat u just for that u dumb shit
Boss: Are you going to do any work today?
Me: Has it been optional this whole time?
[first day as a microbiologist]
me: my god… i’ve never seen a strain like this
boss: [through toilet stall] GET OUT
Saw an ad for a supplement that said it adds years on to your life. This life? Are we talking about the same one?
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
wife: you need to put the dog down
me: [challenges dog to rap battle}
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
My acting career began at a very early age, when my mom asked who broke the vase in the hallway.
The older I become the more I think Oscar the Grouch should just be called Oscar.
When I’m good I’m great. When I’m not good I’m the piano falling out of the window of people
I seriously want my vet to be my primary care physician
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
Wow, pretty rude for people to exist that are younger & hotter than me but OK
I ate vegetables and now I’m hungrier than before. Donuts don’t betray me like this.
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
my sentiments exactly
I’ve never been sucker punched but I have had someone pick up the land line when I was trying to connect to dial up, so same
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
There’s a knock at the door. I open it, but there’s no one there. Unsettled, I slow down a little and pull into the middle lane.
What did the llama say to his date?
“Want to go on a picnic? Alpaca lunch.”
*teaching 13 to cut the grass
Me: Go back and forth across in straight lines, slightly overlapping so you don’t miss any spots. Got it?
13: Yep
13: *cuts three circles, two triangles and a Rhombus into the yard.
[Waking up in Heaven]
This is all super nice, but how did I die?
Angel: You died doing what you loved.
Me: intimidating men?
Angel: yes, you dressed up as a bear and charged at some guys and one shot you
Me: classic
dracula: [busts into my room] ima suck that blood!
me: oh yeah? [does 10 quick shots of delicious Stoli Vodka] how bout now?
dracula: aw what the fudge dude i gotta drive home
me: [vomits on my duvet] checker mate bro lol
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
When someone RTs me, I get as excited as I used to when I was ten and I got mail
When my husband is mad at me,
I like to point at my wedding ring
and whisper “forever”
I love complimenting my parents for how they raised me because I’m really complimenting myself for how great I turned out.
anime is so crazy think about shooting your shot with a cute girl you meet in a coffee shop and she turns out to be a corpse devouring ghoul 5 seconds later.
Want proof advertising works?
I just bought a Goodyear blimp.
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day