When I see a kid on a leash I assume they were a dog turned into a kid by a witch & the owners have yet to figure out how to turn them back.
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*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
My Uncle is either a good taxidermist or a bad vet.
ME: {strips naked and stands on scales} Great! Looks like I’ve lost a few pounds.
STORE MANAGER: Sorry sir, but these scales are for fresh produce only.
Having someone cancel plans on you is like watching trash take itself out.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
me: one more peep outta you & I’m turning this car around
child (pukes up Easter candy):
me: ok that’s it!
“What?”
– Jude
Ok so the rule is if it’s a vowel sound use ‘an’ and if it’s a consonant sound use “a”. Give it a try.
This is an useful exercise.
-Oh uh not that one.We’ve been doing this for over a hour.
-Not that either.Please don’t give me a F
-Nerp.Can I still get a MBA?
-Noop.
I’ve been Catholic for years and still have no idea which murders I should confess and which I should keep to myself.
My debt forgiveness plan is simple: I have hidden five golden tickets in chocolate bars around the world. The lucky children that find the bars can use the tickets to pay tuition fees if they pass a series of simple tests during a visit to my candy factory
Mama Bear: Ok but last time
Papa Bear: Thanks, babe
[she puts on a Goldilocks wig]
Mama Bear (falsetto): I can’t sleep here! It’s toooo hard
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
8 out of 10 ladies at a karaoke bar who sing,“I Will Survive,” are hoping the enemies who wronged them are in the audience.
Pulled a power move on the neighborhood dads by shoveling my driveway before it stopped snowing
Christmas time is my Mom asking me what size shirt I wear and then telling me I’m wrong.
The point of your 20s
Whenever I can’t sleep at night I dig a hole in the backyard to keep the neighbors guessing.
i fact checked this, it’s true ☑️
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
A girl at the bar just did a tequila shot and didn’t make a face. We’re getting married
[normal life]
ive worn the same shirt everyday for a week
[packing for vacation]
hmmm. i’ll prob change a few times a day so thats…32 shirts
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
I wish Play-Doh tasted as good as it smells.
I wish I would remember that it doesn’t.
[Driving home from restaurant]
WIFE:
ME: What?
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME: Sheesh. All I did was call the gluten-free stuff “de-floured”
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say