Cauliflower crust is the answer to the question pizza never asked.
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me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Thought I was saying, “Bye bye” at the end of a phone call, and it came out, “Bye bay,” and then I’m in a panic, thinking she may have heard it as, “Bye, babe,” and she’s not someone I can “babe,” and then the rest of the evening I have a new episode of Seinfeld in my head
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
Pro tip: Don’t moan when getting a pat down at airport security
Me: hi. I’m maddie. I’m ready to overeat, anonymously
Overeaters Anonymous leader: you’ve misunderstood
I never believed in having a life coach until my 4yo advised me that I should always carry a spare pizza under my hat.
This oxygen mask is bullshit. I don’t look like oxygen at all.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
Me: Anyone seen my black shoes?
12yo: If you put them away when you took them off, you’d know where they are.
Someone likes to live life dangerously.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
my proudest moment has to be when I snuck into a frat party and didn’t kno any of the brothers but I knew they loved having foreign exchange kids at their events so I faked a british accent and said I was from southham(doesn’t exist) then ended up leavin with 2 handles of bacardi
When something at the hardware store says it’s universal, that means it will fit every model on the market except the one you have.
Just to be clear, when I came over to your house I had no intention of fighting your cat.
I hope the guy who just cut me off in traffic goes to that hotel in the shining and opens the elevator and it’s just filled with hot dog water
Absorbing the other one is easy in the womb. It gets progressively harder to eat your twin as you both grow older.
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
My superpower is destroying the neighbors living room from 100 yards with nothing but her cat and my laser pointer.
I read that Miley Cyrus will be starring in a remake of Silence of the Lambs.
She’ll be playing Hannibal Montannibal.
While on a family road trip
My Kid: Dad, can I play on your phone now?
Me: for the last time, no, and stop asking
My Kid: How about at the next stop light?
Me: sure…
Narrator: The next stop light was 90 miles away, and 4 miles from their destination
If I did one of those wine and paint nights the instructor would be like wow look at you, you are really good at wine.
A high five is like a regular five that laughs at everything and gets the munchies.
Seriously though: Facebook is a wasteland, Twitter in turmoil, Instagram has collapsed trying to be TikTok, and TikTok isn’t a social network. If you wanted to start a social network, this would be the best time in 10 years to try that.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
If you’re getting serious about someone, check what number their toaster is set on, because that’s what you’re going to be living with.
The reason I look like I’m paying attention is because I’m mentally correcting your grammar.
I have no idea what you’re talking about.
Son: What’re the trailers for?
Farmer: Goin’ to market.
S: Why 3 of ’em?
F: One carries cows, one hauls pigs.
S: That one?
F: Totes m’goats.
Her: Babe, you know there are 206 bones in the human body. Maybe later, mine will have *sexily* 207?
Him: *Googling “can girls grow extra bones”*
Nothing is quite as scary as hearing your doorbell ring on the same night you made a blood sacrifice to the dark lord.