[first day as a security guard] this painting needs eyes
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I spent 2 hours at a gym looking angry with my arms crossed. The manager thought I worked there and gave me a raise
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
*spills drink*
dammit these are my april pants
Can’t afford a cat? Duct tape 3 squirrels together, next question
[burying my father at sea]
Why isn’t this shovel working?
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Remember, smoking doesn’t kill people. People who are trying to quit smoking kill people.
My therapist said to choose a “calming” word to keep repeating to myself when I’m angry. I chose “Stabbing”.
We’ll see if it helps.
Calling out sick from work and then showing up anyway to establish dominance and confuse my enemies.
my wife said she was trash, so i said that must make me an opossum, and i think we just renewed our vows
Me: [on a scale] What? How did I gain weight?
Friend: Didn’t you eat Taco Bell for each meal everyday last week?
Me: Uh, yeah, as a *joke*
me: no need to cut it, it’s just for me
pizza guy: u sure?
Hell hath no fury like a cat reminded there’s food in their bowl.
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
[ cookout ]
Me: OMG this ketchup is amazing!
Host: yea yea we all know you brought the ketchup
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
Me: Can my gift this year be a new secretary.
Boss: I cannot legally assign you anyone until your last secretary’s case goes to trial…
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
The power steering went out in my car. Rather than fix it I’ve decided to get stronger.
Laughing far too much 🤣🤣🤣
Imagine if we didn’t have Google and still relied on encyclopedias to find out “Why poop green?”
My wife persuaded me to get a cat on the grounds they’re independent and take care of themselves.
Anyway, here’s a picture of me helping Bobby off the shed roof after he got stuck. Again.
Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Terminator is a drapery salesman in the new movie.
His new catchphrase?
“I’ll be back….with some swatches I think you’re just going to LOVE.”
DATING TIP: When your crush texts you, win them over by playing hard to get. Throw your phone in a river. Change your name. Move to Belgium.
No, YOU heard a sad song on your headphones and cried while on the treadmill at your neighborhood gym.
Show me someone who says they like all types of music and I will show you someone who has never been on hold before a conference call.
Why couldn’t the Italian chef open the door?
Because he had gnocchi
*quietly waits for the reply guys
It’s World Breastfeeding Week and, honestly, babies need to eat more often than that.
i’m “my bladder is my alarm clock” years old.
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.