Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
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Good morning to everyone except the people who prefer the taste of margarine over butter.
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
I didn’t get a chance to do yoga this morning or any other morning of my life.
Lady you have taken “hot mess” to a whole new level, you’re more a scorching havoc really
Smears cigarette ashes on forehead so I can show up late for work.
[interview]
Where do you see yourself in the next 5 years?
Me: “OMG I’M NOT A PSYCHIC THE SIGN SAID NO SKILLS REQUIRED!”
“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”
Teacher: Bob, how do you make a nail plural?
Dumb Bob: You add S.
T: *amazed* Yes! Come up to the board and show us.
DB: [writes] SNAIL
You’re an atheist? Well I don’t believe you. See how you like it.
If you hold a croissant to your ear like a phone it connects you to the president of France.
My ‘Mom Voice’ was so loud even the neighbors washed their hands and cleaned their rooms.
Hot girl in the avatar, but no selfies in your pics.
I’m just gonna call you “bro” from now on.
Officer: Can you identify the burglar’s screwdriver from these ten pictures? And his headwear from these ten?
Me: It’s tool eight; Fourth hat.
Officer: We won’t catch him with that attitude, sir.
Me recordaron éste meme
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Apparently everyone on the zoom calls outside my office finds my singing distracting.
Me: Remember, you’re grounded today.
8-year-old: Why?
Me: For what you did last night.
8: You were supposed to forget about that.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
Just once I want to see a new parent post a baby photo on Facebook with the words: “Still not sure if we like it, tbh.”
[blind date]
Me: [text] I’m down at the end of the bar, wearing a suit
Her: *looks*
Me: *wearing hazmat suit, waves with gloved hand*
You know that episode of Friends where Joey tries to speak French? That’s what I hear when watching the State of the Union Address
I used to quickly lick the tip of my pencil when writing my poignant thoughts but now I have to eat three or four pencils just to make a grocery list
i do this stupid thing where i water my garden on the day it rains, but in my defense, the rain reminds me that they need to be watered
Know your sleep disorders!
Insomnia = Can’t sleep at home.
Outsomnia = Can’t sleep in public.
Upsomnia = Can’t sleep in a hot air balloon.
Downsomnia = Can’t sleep sealed up in your friend’s catacombs.
I think I might be ready to start dating again?
Husband:
[After my death]
WIFE: Please! Just give me a sign it’s my husband
*the ouija board literally does nothing of any significance*
WIFE [tearing up] omg it’s him!!
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
ME: I’ve brought you a house-warming present
ESKIMO: You idiot
I love how when you walk through a spider web, you all of the sudden know Kung Fu.