@Home_Halfway: Twitter is great if you can't afford therapy but you also don't want to get any better.
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@TheTennisPhenom: hello 911, yeah me again. so listen 29 of my recent tweets have been stolen and.. hello? hello?
@Coops_Bradley: Just found out I'm pregnant. At least that's what this expectant mother sign for my parking spot says.
@jakob_huber: The worst part of Aquaman's day is when he has to kill time on land for half an hour after eating a meal.