Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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Canadian Army training is 6 weeks of learning how to throw a snowball.
can’t stop thinking about pink camo as a concept. the lore of where you’d need pink camo to survive the wilderness under cover. I want to go to there.
All it took was a skirt and one strong gust of wind and all of a sudden, my spirit animal is Hello Kitty.
“Ok, we’re naming our band after the next thing that happens”
*Adam busts in* Guys, you won’t BELIEVE how many crows are outside rn
o shit
*pitching Sylvester and Tweety cartoons*
Creator: A cat and a bird try to outsmart each other.
Executive: Yawn. Boring.
Creator: They both have speech impediments.
Executive: I love it.
Luke: Did you get the card I made you?
Vader: I couldn’t read it. Your handwriting is awful.
Luke: I HAD TO WRITE WITH MY LEFT HAND.
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
My grandad’s battalion avoided capture in Norway by disguising themselves as Christmas trees – they were all highly decorated.
KFC Cashier: I hope your family enjoys this 12 piece meal
Me: Family?
[inventing chalk]
We want something that young children can use to play and learn with, but we also need to be able to outline dead bodies.
The internet and tv at my house are both down, what’s a reasonable amount of time to wait before we start eating people
Me: Is there any particular way you don’t want your name pronounced?
Percy: Not per se
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
Good morning to everyone except my baby, who already said good morning to me at 1 a.m., 3 a.m., and 5:46 a.m.
My toddler just sneezed into the fridge, so I have to cancel all of our plans for the next two weeks because my family will be taking turns having the plague.
I tried to find the quickest checkout by jumping grocery lanes and now I think I’m stuck in the line to pay respects to Queen Elizabeth.
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
Me: Can I be frank?
Him: This is 2022, you can be whoever you want to be.
Me: Get out.
Remember the days we could get out of bed without looking like a newborn pony trying to walk?
Good times.
The best part of being a girl is not having to open doors. If I approach a door and a guy isn’t there I just take a nap til one shows up.
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
Four stages of my life:
1. Life is beautiful.
2. What is twitter?
3. Twitter is beautiful.
4. What is life?
smh
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
He’s mysterious like the fish in gas station sushi
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
Welcome to your forties, you’re now wondering why younger people are so dumb
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Priest: I wonder what ignited the Notre-Dame cathedral fire?
Quasimodo: I have a hunch.
Priest: it’s always about you, isn’t it?