Twitter is great if you can’t afford therapy but you also don’t want to get any better.
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As an ultimate act of selflessness, someday I will travel to a 3rd world country and adopt a small, less fortunate highway.
Some call me Mike while others call me Jesus Christ, Mike.
Mafia Boss: you’re gonna sleep with the fishes
Fishes: we’re not sleeping with this nerd
Me: um technically the plural is *fish*
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
I want an ecologically friendly burial (chuck me over my neighbor’s fence).
[hospital]
“The results are in. I’m afraid you have Bad Priorities Disease. You have 1 month to live.”But does my hair look good?
GEICO: customer service, how can we help?
ME: I’ve been in a car accident
GEICO: ok are you in a safe location?
ME: *looking around bank vault I crashed into* how did you know?
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
If you’re going to throw someone under the bus, make sure it’s moving.
*makes graveyard even scarier by carving all the tombstones into shark fins*
This story is comedy gold 😂
My 2023 resolution to only say “Dah, who turned out the lights?” in the event that the lights have actually been turned off, and not when eg. I’ve had a large pot placed over my head or fallen into an open manhole, has already proven more difficult than I thought
Thanks, Google, probably could have managed those last two letters myself
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
I stopped my pig from eating a penny.
I don’t know why.
I was so close to having a real live piggy bank.
The best way to move on after a breakup is to be open to trying new things. Today I’m throwing rocks at joggers.
A kids program to yell at the kids when they misbehave called Dora The Exploder.
“I’m Bond. James Bond”.
Well, Mr Bond. Allow me to introduce myself.
I’m Evil. Ken Evil.
[speeds cycle up ramp]
[jumps 8 cars & a bus]
Might be time to get in shape. Halfway up these stairs and I’m considering setting up base camp and trying again in the morning.
(home depot)
frosty: so…i hear this is where I can find a snowblower
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
If I got a boyfriend I wouldn’t know what to do…
What do they eat? How often do they need to be walked? Can they be house trained?
I had two eggs for breakfast. They were in the cake I ate…
wife: hey…HEY
me: *takes out earbuds*
wife: would you like to see your newborn son for the first time?
me: *puts earbuds back in*
Cats throw up a lot, so when choosing your pet’s food, I recommend something that matches the carpet.
#caturday
There’s no such thing as “elevator etiquette” buddy. Just enjoy your back scratch.
My finance guy: I want to make the worst move ever with ur entire life savings.
Me: DO IT I DONT UNDERSTAND ONE WORD U ARE SAYING JUST DO IT
Him: You’re on a diet. Why buy all this candy?
Me: Because the alternative is called stealing.