Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
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*God inventing raccoons*
God: Hehe.. this’uns my lil bandit
Dude, u ok?
God: Ima give him a lil mask
Get some sleep
God: He’ll rob stuff lol
That awkward moment when the person who just made the elevator notices you were holding the ‘close’ button
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
Mom, look at my diarrhea.
— My 5yo holding up the diary I bought him at his school’s Scholastic book fair
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
The guys who measure out the granite so it fits nicely in your kitchen were prob mad when they found out the term counterfeiters was taken
every. time.
I had my demons exercised and they became quite large and intimidating demons, so I guess spelling is nine tenths of the law of possession.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”
*Dog puts cupcake on my nose and tells me to “stay”
One time I exaggerated so hard that I died.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Me: I’ll have one of those to go. A Cargarita, if you will. LOL
Bartender: I’m cutting you off
Before I had a child, I never knew that quietly disposing of a balloon could feel so much like a murder.
How do you know when your pen has run out of invisible ink?
*overheard from the other room
8yo: Can I have an ice cream sandwich?
Grandma: Did you finish your dinner?
8yo: No
Grandma: Just one then
No one takes their job more seriously than the guy that glues down the start of the toilet paper roll.
Just ruined my dad’s night by texting pics of a bird he can’t positively ID
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.
Risking my life for fun.
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
That was THE best 10 hours of sleep I’ve ever had.
Thanks for asking me to sleep with you!
Huh. You look upset.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
I was reading a book with my 7yo where a teacher was getting married and INVITED ALL HER STUDENTS and then the students started SECRETLY PLANNING THE WEDDING to help out and I was so stressed out like “wtf, how is this gonna pan out, these kids don’t know how to hire a band”
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.