Twitter is kinda like my diary except I don’t use a glitter gel pen or tell you guys how much I miss Josh.
You Might Also Like
the worst thing about getting attacked by a crocodile is that your friends will probably scream “watch out for that alligator!” and then you will have to explain to them the difference while it’s eating your face
Who decided to call it a muffin top and not a belly donut?
If a bear attacks you, the best thing to do is play dead. Unless it’s Dave, the Necrophiliac Bear
A man approached me at a bar and tried to woo me with burritos. This is next level genius.
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
*lights a scented candle in my house
*gets texted 500 miles away from my mother
Please watch those candles
Priest Client: “So, how is my floor mural coming along?”
Michelangelo: [slowly turning the blueprint in his hands 180 degrees] “Shiiiiiit.”
me: i got into harvard!
cop arresting me for breaking and entering: yeah, we know
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Ticket Clerk: Enjoy the film!
Me: U too!
TC: Really? You’ll take me with u?
Me: I didn’t mean..
TC: Oh, I see
Me: I’m sor
TC: [sobs] JUST GO
Flying cars sound great but have you seen people drive? No way man
An Italian engineer was kidnapped in Nigeria.
Demands were sent via email to his family, but they just got deleted as spam.
healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok
Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Our security system revealed that a black cat arrives at our house every night around 10pm. It then sits on our front stoop all night and leaves around 5am. There is only one logical explanation: I am going to Hogwarts soon.
If he marries someone else, raises a family, and leads a very fulfilling life, maybe he’s just not that into you.
[creating my Tinder profile]
Are u seeking:
men [ ]
women [x]Select one:
18-29 [ ]
30-39 [ ]
40-49 [x]
50+ [ ]me: who needs 50 girlfriends lol
Welcome to your 50s, your joints are now meteorologists.
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
tennis balls are the only sports equipment we trust to the public. if you see a guy walking down the street with a football helmet or a 7 iron that’s suspicious as hell
Son: Can I have pizza for breakfast?
Wife: No.
Son: Why not?
Wife: You want to jump in here?
Me: Let’s see where he’s going with this.
Me: [has never relaxed once in my entire life] I should get a hammock
I wonder if pigs ever laugh so hard they say words.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
mom: you’re grounded
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[20 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
god: rabbits
angel: cute. wait, wh-what are they doing
god: ya they do that
angel: they’re multiplying
god: they’ll slow down
angel: they aren’t slowing down
god: holy shit
angel: they won’t stOP FU
[ next day ]
god: porcupines
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster