Twitter is like a conversation at the water cooler. If the water cooler was full of vodka. And you could smoke. And the boss was out of town
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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
Me irl
My kid sat on the floor of a public restroom, so I had to throw him away and now I have to make a new one.
Parenting is hard, you guys.
i replaced babies in these pictures with hotdogs to show america what really matters
*speed dating*
So which of my teeth is your favorite?
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
My husband and I just met with our financial advisor. Our new retirement plan is to disband, marry much older, wealthier spouses and kind of just wait it out.
You sell yourself for retweets, you are a prostitweet.
*hit man puts on silencer*
*shoots gun*Gun: YOUR HAIR SMELLS NICE LIKE MY MOMS
Wth?
*looks at case*
Oh I brought the awkward silencer
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Is it the 5 second rule or the 10 second rule?
Well, either way, I wouldn’t worry too much about any germs. Here’s your baby back.
Is fake venison called venisn’t
How many police tv shows or movies have you heard them say the person was pronounced dead upon arrival at the hospital, but the police NEVER suspect the E.M.T.
Just sayin.
Son (pointing): “Daddy what’s that?”
Me: “that’s a goat.”
Son: “Why?”
Me: …
me
Got a hot new neighbor, I finally have something to look at with my night vision goggles besides raccoons.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
Obi-wan: You look different.
Vader: You left me burning alive in lava with no arms and legs.
Obi-wan: I thought maybe you got a haircut.
Dead sexy!!
FUN PRANK: Replace signs for Red Cross Blood Drive line with “iPhone 6 in Stock” and watch the shenanigans ensue.
my moms yelling at me bc idk her email password
Doctor: You have 6 months to live
Me: omg what can I do?
Doctor: Oh lots of things
Me: Phew
Doctor: but only for 6 months
Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets. Back in my day we rode our bikes without helmets.
My mate called me an idiot for always getting my idioms wrong but it takes one to know someone.
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
Maybe I’m not depressed. Maybe I just think moving trains need hugs too.
Family trip to a bookstore, and I see 10 pointing to a book and grinning.
Living Successfully with Screwed-Up People.
Me: Wise guy, I think I do this.
10: Successfully?