Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
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I’m super impressed by how many football players wear their Invisaligners while they play.
Dear God, please turn my whistling coworker into a bird so he can fly far, far far away from here.
Wife: Valentine’s day is right around the corner.
Me: No worries, so is Wal-Mart.
when girls eat strawberries it’s like sexy and hot but when i eat an entire potato in one bite like a snake it’s weird???? ok
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[biologists find beached whale]
its a new species
what can we call it?
[surfer walks by] yo killer whale bro
[biologists look at each other]
(cloud briefly passing overhead, obscuring the sun) what fresh hell is this ?
I only tell jokes so someone will explain them to me.
Restaurant manager: You’re hired. You start as a server tomorrow.
Me: I can’t wait!
RM: You’re fired.
I’m so full I could puke a horse
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Are you a cat person or a person person?
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
When my 7yo gets mad at us she goes to her room and scream-sings angsty made up songs and I wonder if this is how Alanis got her start too
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
babe what’s wrong you haven’t moved an inch in six months and you smell really bad
honestly if they just added caffeine straight to hazelnut creamer, it would save me a lot of time
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
Me: [to cat] HEY! GET YOUR PAW OUTTA THAT FISH TANK, MISTER.
Fish: [holding the cat’s paw] Ignore him—he’ll never understand love.
mom did you say we had four bouillon cubes or four billion cubes
Me: well someone woke up in a fowl mood
Turkey: *getting dressed* please lose my number
Me: ugh, remakes are the worst
Friend: no way!
Me: 1920 gave us prohibition, 2020 gave us—
Friend: point taken.
I used to sing my daughter to sleep at night, which is probably why her first word was “Stop.”
Friend: “You really shouldn’t let pets sleep in your bed.”
Me: “But I like cuddling!”
Friend: “I think your goldfish is dead now.”
My dad called and asked which brand of bourbon I would be most thankful for next week.
My mom must have sent him grocery shopping.
to remove a tick first light a candle then slowly and carefully invite it to join you for a nice rare steak
doctor: what is it?
me: *pulling down pants* is this normal?
doctor: not in the middle of the street it isn’t