@Brentweets: Twitter is like a dorm, someone is always up at every hour, someone is crying and someone is drunk.
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@jewfacekilla: "Wow you're one of the nicest old ladies I've ever met!"- me, loudly to a random old lady so my mom can hear
@ericsshadow: "dad, what does extravagant mean?" idk son. why don't you ... [i turn to my wife using $100 bills to light the fireplace] ask your mother
@UncleDuke1969: [furniture store] Wife: We're putting in a bar. Salesman: OK Wife: And... S: Yes? W: Go ahead, say it. Me: WE'RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.