Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
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[heaven]
Abraham Lincoln: If only I’d stayed in that night instead of going to that show.
Batman’s parents: Same.
Me to my worm gf: cmon babe we’re going fishing
*watches neighbor sprint outside in his underwear chasing the garbage truck after I rolled his trash can back to his house last night*
None of my boyfriends even know they’re dating me.
professor x: what’s your power?
jk rowling: i can rewrite the past of fictional characters
gay professor x : interesting
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
I think my garbage man is flirting with me; he keeps putting his hands around my waste.
All you need for your kids to fall asleep at a reasonable hour is wake them up before sunrise and go to an amusement park in the blistering heat for 9 hours.
According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Wrestling is the only sport that gets more embarrassing when you become a professional.
Anyone who thinks children are not just tiny criminals has never been shaken down for a dollar at 6:30 am
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
I read all your bumper stickers and now we’re both stupid.
My 5 year old was pretending to leave for work, rode his bike to the end of the driveway and back and said he made $100 so my question is what is this job and where can I find one
[girl I’m talking to playfully touches my arm] Wait, do that again I wasn’t flexing.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
dating after 40 is like riding a bike uphill through a blazing inferno with flat tires.
Why is my body letting me get a cold?
I gave it an orange only last week….
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
And is this “year-end bonus” in the room with us right now?
Why — WHY — in the year 2021 is there not a button on every TV that pings the remote and makes it play a sound so you can find it??
Flowers die, my love, so instead I shall give you a bouquet of Keith Richards.
I just asked my boyfriend does he think I’m loud. His response “Well it’s very easy to hear you…”
???????????????????????
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
“How crazy is your ex? Crazy like my triceps?” “How sick is your mother? Sick like my triceps?”
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo