Twitter is like a soap opera for some of you.
I’d like to be the one who sneaks into the hospital and unplugs your life support.
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Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
police chief: you are using the police dogs wrong
me watching a dog bark at a criminal in the interrogation room: give him five more minutes
When I eat rotisserie chicken, I like to pretend that I’m performing an autopsy.
Vodka burrito was a success
All toilet seats can be heated toilet seats if you push people off them and sit real fast.
Father: I love both my sons equally.
Max: I know that, dad.
Min: I have my doubts.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
Pot warmers of the day.
Kids, 364 days a year:
“I can’t find my shoes!”
“I can’t find my jacket!”
“I can’t find my homework!”
“I can’t find my water bottle!”
“I can’t find my library book!”Kids, Easter Sunday:
Can find a tiny egg camouflaged
in the grass a quarter mile away.
-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest
Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
Drinking wheatgrass juice is a great way to know what being a lawnmower tastes like.
20: omg my life is going to be so aweso—
40: wtf just happened
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
When I was a kid I thought that Olivia Newton-John was a three person band. Olivia, Newt, and John.
My neighbor just pulled into his driveway with a new washer and dryer and now he’s headed this way …. So this gives me about 4 seconds to dislocate my shoulder.
My resolution this year was to learn Spanish, and that only lasted about dos weekos.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Caveman: “So what do you call it?”
Caveman2: “I call it burny light.”
Caveman: “that’s terrible. You’re fired from the naming committee.”
Caveman2 “wait… say that again…”
There’s so much going on 😂😂😂
My children are now grown up and have recently left home. Now the wife can tell when I eat a packet of biscuits all to myself. Thinking of getting a dog.
23rd Century Scientist: We’re sending you to 1889 to kill baby Hitler. Four words: Stick. To. The. Mission.
Henry Ford: Yes, sir.
The only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the street the shit is placed.
Me: By the old gods and the new…may no man ever remove this crown.
Dentist: You can rinse now.
If human civilization had a narrator it would just be some guy repeating “Little did they know…” over and over and over.
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.