@imence2: Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they're still alive.
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@junejuly12: *receives invitation to dry wedding* *becomes wine smuggler and most popular wedding guest ever*
@lecalabara: Ok gas pump, enough! Credit or debit? Zip code? Reward Card? Car Wash? Receipt? What octane? It takes less buttons to launch a nuke!
@thepunningman: [hunting] "In order to attract the stag, I perform the special call" [clears throat, cups hands round mouth] "COME OVER HERE, ANTLER JERK"
@Underchilde: If you could go back in time, would you kill Hitler or just watch movies that aren’t about superheroes?