Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
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GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
A pizza falls into a wormhole and is transported to cavepeople times. A woman discovers and tastes it. “Needs mammoth.”
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I need a new toaster. Mine has two settings: WTF is it even on, and Viking funeral.
My back hurts too much to lean over anymore, going to have to resort to picking things up with a deep curtsy.
Sometimes my 5yo asks profound questions and other times he asks me if our garbage bin is big enough to fit a whole cow
Hey hipsters, if your main function in life is to “bring back” old and dated clothing, capes should be at the top of the list.
Little Red Riding Hood found in a critical condition. Paramedics have stabilised her condition, but shes not out of the woods yet.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Cat that has never been so insulted in all nine of its lives of the day.
Nothing is worse than having a cranberries song stuck in your head, in your head, in your heeeeeeeeeeaaaad zombie zombie zombie eee eee
If they’re old enough to go to school they’re old enough to hitchhike there.
If A Book Store Never Runs Out Of A Certain Book, Dose That Mean That Nobody Reads It, Or Everybody Reads It
BOSS: You’re late again today
ME {still using the Mayan calendar}: We’re lucky to even be here you know
What I lack in legs I make up for in forehead
Interviewer: “Describe yourself in three words.”
Me: “Efficient.”
If you’ve already seen a couple of chickens break up a couple of rabbits fighting today then just keep on scrolling…
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
4:
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Somebody’s lying.
My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.
The Terminator: I need your clothes
Me: no problem *unbuttons skinny jeans and lays down* pull
The Terminator: ok this isn’t going to work
Me: *holding up a leg* PULL
I do my part to help the community by honking and being obnoxious when rich couples driving audi 4wds are surveying “charming properties” along the back roads
Maybe I forgot to text back. Maybe it’s Maybelline.
T-REX *runs past me*
ME: woah more like tyrannosaurush
T-REX *stops dead* ok you first. I’m gonna eat you first
My rap name is When i$ Lunch
[first date]
Her: I just love eating clean and staying healthy, you know?
Me:*flashback to the time I cry-ate two lasagnas* Totally
*Shrek pre-production meeting*
Producer: Do we have a name for the dragon yet
Guy who named the donkey “Donkey”: I was thinking Dragon sir
The house has to be spotless so the AC repair technician isn’t disappointed in me.
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose