Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
You Might Also Like
My cat has made it very clear that we will not be getting rid of the box that I want to get rid of.
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
The first rule of Illiteracy Club is no reading. That was a test, and you failed. You’re failing now. You’re not welcome in Illiteracy Club.
Just threw out my back getting the cool side of the pillow and I’m pretty sure the cat is laughing at me.
me noticing the blood pressure machine says keep arm still: cmon cmon cmon
guys im robbing a pharmacy with: we gotta go
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Jesus: *picks up bread* this is my body
Jesus: *picks up wine* this is my blood
Jesus: *picks up eggplant* i think we allll know what this is lol yea
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
6yo: Wow you look much better already daddy! Will you be able to have the stitches out soon?
Taxidermist: He will not
pls don’t buy me anything family size i have no self control and no family
what most people dont know is that you can use the trick or treat system to get large amounts of candy for free
When I retire I’m going to run from office.
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
My husband walked into the kitchen and asked, “What’s burning?” I told him, “The world. But what you smell is the chicken.”
Dishwasher: “I’m gonna see if they notice I’m not washing the dishes.”
Sink: “Good one.”
Day 1 self-isolation: *has enough snacks to last 2 weeks
Day 2 self-isolation: *runs out of snacks
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
6“- Ive had bigger
7”- Can’t complain
8”- PERFECT
9”- A bit much
10”- My insides hurt
11”- Please no more
12”- Legally dead-Me after pizza
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
[emerges from time machine back in present day]
I did it. I got Hitler rejected from art school, saving German art from years of mediocrity
Funny cuz it’s true! #WritingCommunity #Reading
Co-Worker: Any of you ever smoke a turkey?
Me: No, I always have trouble finding papers big enough to roll it in.
trying to get cows to walk down stairs is a terrible way to find out cows can’t walk down stairs
Her: you haven’t changed since the day we met
Me: THEY’RE MY LUCKY UNDERWEAR
My body is telling me to go to sleep but my brain knows that there are Oreos in the pantry.
the short answer to this question
Wife: I need some chicken stock.
Me: okay. I’ll call the broker tomorrow.
If you’re wondering whether an orchid can survive a spin in the washing machine, my 2yo can now tell you it can’t.
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.