@samalmightysam: Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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@djdarrellripley: Me: Has anyone ever told you, you have the softest brown eyes? Her: No. Besides, my eyes are blue. Me: No wonder nobody's ever told you...
@PhuckinCody: [i go to the aquarium wearing my cowboy boots and hat] "can we get extra security at the seahorse exhibit? yeah, he's here again."
@lecalabara: Home Alone 6: Homeland Security - Everyone in Washington D.C. has gone on vacation and left Kevin in charge!
@Phook75: My daughter fired me this morning and told me to go to my room and this has become the best day ever