@samalmightysam: Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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@_Tempo11: Exits public bathroom stall Makes eye contact with the person next in line Mouths: "I'm so sorry"
@oakhillbargrill: - How was school? 4: Trenton said his dad likes to go outside and fight lions - laughs - oh honey - nobody would name their kid Trenton
@shanethevein: The best thing about Twitter is that I can reveal my deepest and darkest secrets and you dumbasses think I'm joking.
@2tickytacky: "You've lost some weight." sounds suspiciously like "You were a disgusting fatso before, but I was too nice to say so.".