Twitter is my serious account, the funny one is my bank account.
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So psyched! My 1st granddaughter born today:
6lb11oz!
Which is not the name I’d have chosen, but I guess I need to keep up with the times.
Ladies,
Please stop answering our questions with “yes, of course”. All you’re doing is forcing us to nod our heads like we knew that.
Men
My friend’s getting rich by selling photos of koi in clothes. He says it’s as easy as shooting fish in apparel.
This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
I dream of living in a world where men are judged not by the color of their skin, but by the contents of their iPod.
Theresa nothing worse about a breakup than your ex’s name autocompleting whenever you type a word that starts with Theresa same letters
If I had any self control I’d probably eat that too.
me: what’s your sign?
chef: spisces
NASA: How’s it looking up there, guys?
ASTRONAUT: I’ve never seen anything so beautiful.
FROG: [lost in his spacesuit] I’m struggling tbh.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
If the emoji I wanna text is not in the “recently used,” you may have to wait 3 days till I find it.
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
Just blocked a guy for accusing me of being “all talk”. On Twitter.
Memorial Day was always my grandpa’s favorite holiday because he was a WW2 vet and also loved to buy mattresses.
Don’t bother using those white packets of seasoning inside new shoes, they taste terrible.
what is your most benign unpopular opinion? i don’t mean like “the earth is flat” type of unpopular opinion, i mean like “I think golden retrievers are annoying” unpopular opinion
There should be a dimmer on refrigerator lights so you’re not hit with full sunlight blast when you’re cruising for food at 3 a.m.
I need to work on controlling the look on my face when I’m listening to stupid people.
[blind date]
HER: I am so against vaccines
ME {trying to impress her}: I have polio
I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.
Mark Zuckerberg came up with the idea for Facebook when he was at a party & a racist uncle wrote a bible quote on a painting then poked him
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
Home is where the heart is, and hopefully it’s where all of the other vital organs reside too.
Each day is a wondrous journey, always discovering the new things in life that can irritate me.
Today I got yelled at by a bird. I don’t even speak bird.
As a general rule of thumb, I avoid pinky promises.
No you dumb uncultured idiot, just because I’m an Indian doesn’t mean I use a flying carpet to get around. I use an elephant like everyone else.
Girl: I can’t wait to have kids! I babysit so I pretty much know what it’s like to be a parent. It’ll be easy.
Me: *laughs for 20 minutes*