Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
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When you stub your toe but there are kids around.
I was on the fence about starting a new diet, but then the fence broke.
the small neighbor human. is hanging outside with some ice cream. and it is melting. way faster than it is being eaten. the only real solution here. is for me to trot over and help
The eyes are the window to the soul which is why I’m throwing pebbles at your face.
My son said, “If you had to lose one sense, what would it be?” Without missing a beat, my daughter said taste. Which would have been fine had we not been eating the dinner that I made.
Never, EVER, check mail when you get home on a Saturday evening. Unless you’re sure it’s a check made out to you.
[at restaurant]
Table for two please.
“Do you have reservations?”
Yes, this place looks like a dump but I’m hungry.
A good prank if you’re in line behind a baby at Starbucks and the mother isn’t paying attention is to give the baby a thousand dollars
My husband just asked this southern 8 ball if I loved him. It said “bless your heart” 😆
Ooh I do like a good funnel
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
All the roles in Gravity were played by Martin Lawrence.
[1st time on phone with a girl]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomachIt’s so cute that you’re nervous
[eating 2nd bowl of butterflies] huh?
My save for later cart on Amazon is up to about $1.3 million dollars.
I get it dogs, I want to scream F-bombs every time the doorbell rings too.
Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
*prints out my most successful tweets and mails them to my ex-girlfriends*
I HAD
THE TIME OF MY LIFE
AND I NEVER FELT THIS WAY BEFORE
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
Why cotton swab companies haven’t used “just the tip” as an advertising slogan yet is beyond me.
I’m not saying it’s been a while, I’m just saying I completely blanked on the name of my gym
Billy Joel’s washing is still wet because he didn’t start the dryer.
Ordered a honey bee kit off Amazon. Can’t wait to tell my co-workers all the benefits of honey that I Googled right before telling them.
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
A stunning example of cloud iridescence, caused by small ice crystals scattering the sun’s rays, filmed in Narathiwat, Thailand.
Credit: Orawan Thongchinda
Having a large vocabulary may not make you intelligent, but it really can help you bullshit your way through just about anything
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
We reach out to meet each other half way, filling the vast void between us. We yearn to become as one.” – A poem by my eyebrows
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services