@hmmwalsh: Twitter is perfect for men, because with men brevity is key. Beyond 140 characters they know they're going to say something wrong.
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@iwearaonesie: *makes sandwich* *sits down to eat it* *sees dog staring at me* *rips off small piece* *gives her the rest*
@Matt_The_1st: Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
@CollegeHumorLol: When I see my cat staring out the window, I sit behind him and whisper, "Look, Simba, Everything the light touches is our kingdom".