Told my friends that I was qualified to give them Botox injections. I raised a few eyebrows.
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HR: People are complaining that you find ways to appear superior to them.
[chair elevated to highest position]
Me: That’s just ridiculous.
think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
Fecking hate sellotape should go sit in the wrong corner with everything else I hate ….
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
I woke up and did 75 crunches.
Cap’n Crunches, but still.
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
I miss the days of Agatha Christie when rich people only murdered each other.
You can tell Charles Manson really loves his fiancée by the way he hasn’t murdered her.
Chicago releases 1,000 feral cats to end reputation as rat capital of America
[drops phone in toilet]
MY FRIENDS!
husband: you’re so sweaty. did you work out?
me: [just ate half a block of cheese] yes
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born
They act like technology is ruining childhood, but back in the day, kids were so bored they would turn their eyelids inside out for fun.
Walking around Houston airport taking iPads from unattended kids. I have 4 so far.
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
GOOD COP: Here I brought you some tooth paste
BAD COP: Now drink this orange juice
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
Meanwhile, at the bar:
Batman: “Whisky.”
Aquaman: “Appletini.”
“WHAT?”
“It’s vodka, apple schnapps…”
“You’re off the Justice League.”
My dad will drive six hours to avoid a three dollar ATM fee
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
can’t believe they changed the Hollywood sign again
It seems like I only lose weight when I don’t buy ice cream.
Can someone else start buying my ice cream for me please?
Just unlocked a memory of when I was in college and I was in Cabo with a guy I was seeing & he made me FaceTime my surgeon brother about the fact that his feet were swollen & my brother talked him through it then texted me after “do NOT give me a useless brother in law”
My husband grabbed a lightsaber and challenged our daughter to a battle. She ran to the kitchen and grabbed a knife.
interviewer: your resume says you like being read to
me: and then what happened
Cop: Do you know how fast you were going?
Me: Sorry, no, I fell asleep. Did I win?
My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
My phone has been on silent since 2015 but will still check to see if it’s my phone if I hear a phone ring in public