Hey starbucks I’m not using your made up language give me a medium beanwater
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Jennifer Aniston is always cast in the same role because she’s a victim of Rachel profiling.
My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
Him: wanna go to your favorite place?
Me: Poundtown?!
H: I was thinking Target but—
M: no, no, your instincts were correct
please stand back I’m about to make this worse
What sucks about those little hotel shampoo bottles is there’s no room for the directions so you kind of have to wing it.
Hot hot hot 🥵
This lasagna recipe has been handed down in my family for generations in the hopes that someone would eventually make it.
boomer parents will be text “call me” with the same urgency of a family member in the hospital or a question about what that one dessert was called that they had with you at a restaurant at the shore 3 years ago
Lot of big talk about using time machines for murder by people who do no murdering at all in the here and now.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Sorry for referring to your baby as “ominous”, I didn’t realise you would hear me through the baby monitor
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
I tried to renew my subscription to a magazine & somehow duplicated the subscription. After finally canceling one, I did so, & now at the same name & the same *address* I simultaneously receive both a copy of the magazine & “we’d love for you to resubscribe” letters every month.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
Me: *pours 3rd glass of wine at dinner*
My organs: We strike at dawn.
Gonna bring a notepad and a fancy pen to my next therapy session cause yessiree two can play that game.
No one cares how old your kid was when they were potty trained, Brenda.
I’m a successful adult, and no one has ever asked when I stopped shitting my pants.
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
My husband and I both have colds but only his is really really bad.
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Is Fergie totally done spelling stuff? Because “mischievous” sometimes stumps me and I’d appreciate a song about it.
If a girl says she loves you, do you tell her thank you or run away screaming? Asking for a dad.
Seriously, asking for a dad. I need a dad.
*brings coconut cake to a knife fight
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
ew! gross! people in other countries eat animals that we keep as pets! surely my western worldview is the universal standard of morality and im not being racist at all
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
My fear of cockroaches started when I hit one with a rolled up magazine and it held up a tiny ‘LOL’ sign and ran under the fridge.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain