Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
You Might Also Like
One-upping the deceased by showing up to the funeral in my own coffin.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
My dog and I both lose our minds when the doorbell rings but for totally opposite reasons……….I don’t want company
*at the movie theater* umm ok the hackers also said theyd do a terror unless u giv me unlimited free popcorn and uh.. also that guys popcorn
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
Whenever my husband “puts something away” I’m always suspect. I mean, it’s not as if he really knows where anything goes.
If any of you die you should use your ghost powers to mess with me. Move my laundry from the dryer into the basket, throw out the old food in my fridge, let my dogs out in the morning. You know, real scary stuff. Get me real good.
A fun thing to do is scream “JENGA!” and yank a ladder out from under somebody.
If Christian Bale has never cancelled a date and said “sorry to Bale on you” then I don’t think he is living life to the fullest.
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
I bought one follower just to see what it was like and he showed up at my job and his name is Eddie and he’s kind of freaking me out guys.
it’s cool how the members of Anonymous are so good at computer stuff, but also wrote so many great poems and inspirational quotations.
This whole time I thought Ariana Grande was a font
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
[First Date]
I’ll just have a salad.
[Second Date]
*shoves a whole brisket in my maw like a bear going into hibernation*
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
Two crows fall in love, move in together, start a family.
The perfect murder.
Me: I’ve brought a urine sample
Doctor: I didn’t ask for a urine sample
Me: There was a lot of traffic
If peeing was an Olympic event, I would win gold. But then I would miss the awards ceremony because I was taking a leak.
My psychic friend asked me if I was available any afternoon this week
My reply: I don’t know,am I?
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
[job interview]
Him: Do you use drugs or alcohol?
Me: No.
Him: What’s your salary requirement?
Me: To be able to afford drugs & alcohol.
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
Me: I saw Elvis Presley last night.
Her: I’m sure it was an impersonator.
Me: No *hiding shovel* It was definitely him.
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
Some tattoo artists need to just say, “no, I’m not doing this shit.”
[Trying to impress a cute girl with glasses]
HER: So what kind of car do you drive?
ME: A bookmobile.
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
I just met a spider that jumped right at me when I tried to kill it.
And that spider just met a man that does not need to live in a home.