@mrtruthandsoul: Twitter is the government's elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets
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@thatUPSdude: Boss: Are you done with those reports yet? Me: Can you stop hovering over me? Boss: Sorry [turns off jetpack] Me: Much better.
@carlyken: [interview at winery] What strengths do you bring to the job? *long pause while Jesus glares at interviewer* Are you being serious right now
@LeaMehanna: Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I'll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
@TheCiscoKidder: Saw my wife watching the Food Network while I was making dinner, so I was like, "You can just watch me in the kitchen, no commercials!"