[At the police station]
Cop: can you describe the incident with this *checks notes* this Jabberwocky? Start from the beginning
Me: Twas brillig, and the slithy toves Did gyre and gimble in the wabe; All mimsy were the borogoves, And the mome raths outgrabe
Cop: okay what
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Executioner: Any last words?
Me: Sparn
Executioner: Ok [throws switch] Wait, what does that mean
Me:
Executioner: WHAT DOES THAT MEAN GOD DAMN IT
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
I refuse to listen to anyone give commentary on the state of society unless it’s in a Tiktok video filmed inside their car
Not saying it’s wet out there but the animals are lining up two by two.
Vader: “I am your father.”
Luke: “I am your father.”
Vader: “Stop copying me.”
Luke: “Stop copying me.”
Vader: “Shut up.”
Luke: “Shut up.”
Me: *gets all four daughters dressed*
Wife: I want everyone in Christmas dresses.
Me: But-
Wife: Everyone.
Me: Fine. *puts on my dress*
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
When I was in 8th grade, I tried to get this guy to break up with me. So, when he would call me I would just sing N Sync songs to him.
I still had to break up with him.
Catercrombie & Fish
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
Kevin Hart said that he has turned down roles because the characters were gay, which is weird because I didn’t think he knew the word “no.”
Friend: “This is the year I’m going to marry my best friend.”
Me: “This is the year I’m going to train my dog to come when I call him.”
“Shark infested waters”….you mean their home?
imagine you’re in the afterlife – FINALLY getting a chance to chill out a bit – when your selfish friends and family try making you talk to them through a ouija board, like omg go away I JUST sat down
Squirrels run around like they’re being chased. Nobody cares about you. You live in tree. Get a job
SKETCH ARTIST: *holds up drawing of a single bit of straw*
CAMEL: [in a wheelchair, tears in his eyes] That’s him!
*speed date*
Her: Hi there, my name’s —
Me: Braid my hair.
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
*has no idea what a book even is*
Nothing says “I m not interested” quite as loudly as showing up for a date
[cornerman sitting me down after the first round] ya gotta stop telling him you’re diabetic he doesn’t care
I feel I’ve done my best to tolerate lactose long enough.
*goat walks into a bar
*bartender sets down a beer coaster
*goat eats itgoat: Hit me again.
Yoda: Donuts you must fetch from the shop
Me: Ok I’ll try
Yoda: There is no try – either do or donut
How to be a Canadian:
1) Love hockey
2) Use good manners
3) Drink Tim Hortons
4) Live in a igloo
5) Hunt moose with stick
[Ariel climbs Rapunzel’s hair with a dinglehopper between her teeth]
“There can only be one socially awkward Princess,” she vows savagely.
I can turn a case of beer into a drunk man. Your move, Jesus.
I see your IQ test came back negative
if you were really my friend, you’d know my favorite kitchen utensil. it’s the ladle. ok we’re friends now.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.