@mrtruthandsoul: Twitter is the government's elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets
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@Rollinintheseat: [High school reunion] Person: "I don't remember you." Me: *starts crying* Person: "Now I remember you."
@KentWGraham: If you pack an acid-laced brownie in your lunch, you can quickly identify the employee who’s stealing all the food from the fridge.
@BoozeWallet: MOM: always open the door for a lady [later on date] ME: Let me get that for you [reaching under stall door for lock] please stop screaming
@ILikeFaucet: Boss: Dan why is your hand raised? Me: can I go to the bathroom? Boss: Dan you're 23. This is a business meeting Me: so that's a yes?