Twitter is the new flypaper.
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Had a trial where I awkwardly held my briefcase the entire time then finally put it down at the end.
Judge, “Don’t.”
Me, “I rest my case.”
I just screamed at the dog to pitch in and do more to help us through this crisis like the WW 2 generation. How’s everyone else holding up?
When brands use cool words like “bae” on social media, I drive straight to their nearest location with all my money, ready to buy products.
Not saying I found that jet, but is there a reward?
[séance]
Medium: I feel a male presence coming through
Me: I want to get in touch with my late husband
Medium: His name is Tim?
Me: No, Luke. May I use your phone? He was supposed to be here 20 minutes ago
GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!
A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
The last time my heart beat this fast I was at my boyfriend’s parent’s house and the toilet water was rising…
-My best pickup line
“Are you going to apologize for what you said?”
“I’m sorry I feel that way.”
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
ME: with the vaccines coming i’m feeling hopeful
HER: yeah life might go back to the way it was
ME: ok now i’m bummed again
*loud crash*
15: OMG! You almost freaking killed me!
13: The key word being “almost”.
I dated a 21 year old for 3 months before she looked up from her phone and realized I wasn’t Tobey Maguire
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
[plastic surgeon]
please my credit card it’s very sick
I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I’m a disaster playing scrabble with the kids. I know all these disgusting words.
It’s your fault.
Turns out my toddler’s only ingredient for Banana Stew is bananas, and now I understand why she rolled her eyes when I asked for the recipe
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
A puppy can stab a girl in the face then steal her bag & she’d still be like, “Awwww a puppy.”
The word “brewery” sounds like a drunk guy slurring a better word
god: u can eat things twice ur size
snake: ok but how
god: go like 😮
snake:
god: then u just kinda :O
ME: whats our policy on dogs in the office
BOSS: no dogs
ME: [about to hand over my dog’s resume but I pull it back just in time] haha duh
date: what is this plate scribbled on with a marker
me: ah yes *kisses fingertips* my signature dish
son: school just got canceled
me: oh shit what did it do
My conscience is clean.
Alcohol is technically a solvent.
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
A candle with no wick, is just wax, but a wick with no wax, is just string.
What else… ummm… no, I guess that concludes my TED Talk.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.