Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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U-HAUL, may I help you?
“You have any moving boxes?”
No all our boxes stay still
“Well you better go- wait what?”
Stop calling here, Dad
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
We were watching The Discovery Channel on the couch.
I was naked.
She was afraid.
I guess I should have probably introduced myself first.
Who called it a “Brazilian wax” and not “another way to skin the cat?
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Don’t tell me there’s not a housing crisis; in the 1980’s we had so much housing, every pizza had its own hut.
Me: I had a nightmare that someone broke into our house and tried to steal our kids
Husband: What’s the nightmare part?
My almost 80 year old father was scrolling through obituaries the other day at breakfast when he noticed that the husband of one of his old girlfriends had passed away. So anyway my dad has a new girlfriend.
Why is it called scissoring instead of clash of clams?
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Does your wife know that you are in a relationship with your car?
[God creating the stingray]
Ya know Peter, I was getting out of the shower this morning and thought “what if I made my bathmat a murderer?”
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
Making a password as a teen: dolphinsarecool
Making a password as an adult: Dolphinsarecool!2
My girlfriend just called a group of sheep ‘sheeps’ and now I can never be sure that she is legally capable of consenting to sex.
*At work, pulls 2 dryer sheets out of my uniform pants leg*
Adds magician to resume
RIP to whoever is about to receive the literal wall of text currently being drafted by the person sitting in front of me on the train. It begins with “my feelings on our situation have not changed,” so godspeed
(before ceiling fans were invented)
*People getting their legs cut off by floor fans*
Narrator: There has to be a better way…
“Come on now, I’m sure that Megatron isn’t such a bad guy when you get to know him…” – Optimist Prime.
You’re only as old as you feel, they say. So, 80. Today it’s 80.
I bought a designer body bag and now I’m scared to gain weight.
[firing squad]
Any last requests?“Here’s my mixtape, if u like it, will u let me live?”
Yes. *listens* Oh man that’s FIRE
*gunshots*
[love making]
Her: [leans in] “do that thing you know I like.”
[i cease to exist]
Her: “yeah baby.”
Me sliding into hell like
Have you heard about these cats getting plastic surgery to look like kittens?
Friend: if you could have dinner with any person living or dead who —
Me: — what kind of dessert would there be
You’d be surprised how much of parenting is reminding your children not to eat soup with their hands.
“We all have two lives. The second begins when you realize you only have one.”
~ Tom Hiddleston
‘I can quit anytime I want’ I mutter to myself everyday on my way work.