Twitter is the only place where it’s actually BORING to discover that you are being followed by hundreds of robots.
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my inner child wanted to run and slide across the wood floor in my socks and now my outer adult has a hip out
Guy at the Acme Corporation: Ah, some dog in Arizona wants to buy a rocket launcher. I’ll send him a really shitty one
The best way to see if someone is telling the truth is to tie them to a chair and start up the ol chainsaw.
You lied! Santa Claus is NOT real, mom! If “mom” is even your real name…
[Neighbor to mom] hi Susan!
*kid faints*
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
[real estate agent giving a tour of my brain]
And here we have yet another breakfast niche
HR is giving me a hard time because I’ve been starting all my work emails with:
Dearly Beloved
In the theater
Me: Haven’t you ever seen someone stuff their bra before?
Him: Not with tater tots
*pause*
Gimme some.
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
The conditioner I use is made with avocado oil. Not only is my hair soft, manageable, and shiny, but it also reminds me all day long about guacamole.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first
Surgeon: I’ll be taking out your appendix today
Me: [stomach rumbles]
Surgeon: [puts stethoscope to my tummy]
Appendix: I have a boyfriend
I hate showing my baby pictures because everyone says “you were so cute” but there’s always the unspoken but implied “what happened”
Bowser: Honey, the toilet’s clogged
Wife: Call someone to fix it
Bowser: *dialing number* Well this is gonna be awkward
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
I wish my ex could look down from heaven see my “look at me now” life!
but nooooo, he’s still alive
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
After 5 minutes of staring at grass, I came to the realization that Earth has green hair. That’ll do, brain. That’ll do.
Me: I’m a solid eight
Friend: Wow. Out of ten?
Me: What lol god no
TV lead me to believe grave digging would be a lot easier
Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
I think the English invented raisins as a joke because of their dry sense of humour.
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.