@patrickoriley: I'm so hungry I could eat this piece of paper.
*adds salt to resume*
@Ristolable: If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.
@drewtoothpaste: Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.
@ItsAndyRyan: Me: How long have we had that pillow?
Wife: No idea
Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days
@JohnLyonTweets: I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there's plenty of blame to go around.
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