@Contwixt: "I can't feel my legs" --mermaids

@Reverend_Scott: Wife: Have you seen my razor? Me: [with only one eyebrow] I have not

@TheMichaelRock: [at interview] Interviewer: tell me a little about yourself. Me: I'd rather not. I kinda want this job.

@Jfficial: People laugh cause I've got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who'll be laughing then?

@ch000ch: i'm wearing a jetpack to my job interview tomorrow so if they turn me down i can disappoint everyone there by just walking out calmly