@MilkshakeAnyone: Twitter is the world's largest voluntary police lineup.
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@Offensivehere: Me: lets go get a drink! Friend: what's the occasion? Me: ... Friend: ... Me: I don't understand the question.
@3BlindMike: The cat puked all over the bath mat so I just tossed it into the trash can. Then I put the bath mat in the washer.
@tuckerflodman: [halftime] Coach: Okay men we're literally losing at basketball to a dog... any ideas? -I have one. *pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
@Cheeseboy22: My son found a SEVEN leaf clover on the neighbor's back porch! I don't have the heart to tell him that it's really a marijuana leaf.