@ilovepie84: Somebody should tell Forrest Gump that on the back of the box of chocolates it tells you exactly what you're going to get.

@TeaAndCopy: [Putting petrol in car] １９.９５ １９.９６ １９.９７ [stops] [gently now] １９.９８ [very gently] １９.９９ [ok, once more] [deep breath] ３７.８３ GODDAMMIT

@buhsbaby_baby: You know what I'd like for Christmas, mom? I'd like you to stop treating me like a child. Also I'd like some money and some new socks.

@kiel_phillips: JELLYFISH: *to friend* Want to see something disgusting? Watch this. *stings person* FRIEND: That wasn't dis... JELLYFISH: Wait a minute.

@sarcasm_inc: Sorry I'm late, guys. SOMEbody.. *gestures at wife* told me this knife fight started at.. *sees everyone holding guns* FANtastic, Ellen