@MilkshakeAnyone: Twitter is the world's largest voluntary police lineup.
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@1Happytwit: My neighbours were listening to some pretty cool music until the arseholes asked me to turn it down.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: Check out that car. It has 400 horses. 5-year-old: Where does all the poop go?
@zachreinert03: Audrey Hepburn probably has my favorite last name that combines an STD and a symptom of an STD
@HairyJew4Life: The doctor just told my girlfriend and I that the baby is coming early. Like father, like son.