@patrickoriley: I'm so hungry I could eat this piece of paper. *adds salt to resume*

@Ristolable: If you name a baby Barbara, the baby turns 50 years old immediately.

@drewtoothpaste: Get a big metal box, label it "TIME CAPSULE" and take a big dump in it so people know what 2011 was like.

@ItsAndyRyan: Me: How long have we had that pillow? Wife: No idea Memory foam pillow: Two years, five months and two days

@JohnLyonTweets: I admit opening an alligator petting zoo was not the best idea, but I told the kids to be careful so there's plenty of blame to go around.