It’s not the most ethical move in the world, but in a pinch you can hand off a cursed object to basically any baby.
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Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
I’m going to be a ghost who haunts people with a high metabolism. Hate never dies
Return of the Jedi is not possible without the receipt of the Jedi.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
I’m a champion of grammar;
A grampion, if you will.
ah yes the two sexualities, queer and italian
Prof. Oak: you get to travel the world
Ash: i’m a kid
Oak: catch a wild animal to protect you
Ash: that sounds dangerous
Oak: keep it caged in a ball
Ash: kinda harsh
Oak: catch’em all
Ash: you okay bro
Oak: *grabs Ash by the collar* USE THEM TO BEAT UP OTHER PEOPLES PETS
do u think karl marx was a marxist bc of his last name or was it just a coincidence
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
It’s adorable how breakfast assumes we’re all able to fast.
Should we be concerned about where Home Depot keeps getting these 12 foot skeletons?
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
This new hand sanitizer is 99.9% effective in reminding me about all of my paper cuts.
3-year-old: *dumps Cheez-its on the floor*
Me: What are you doing?!
3-year-old: Feeding the Roomba.
As I stood there looking at my naked body in the mirror, I thought to myself …………I’m gonna get thrown out of ikea in a minute..
Shit magnet has been purchased! Now we will always remember our trip to Crabonela.
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
[Plays air guitar]
[Dodges air panties]
writer: ok so a guy and girl named jack and jill
editor: ugh 2 lame white kid names. fine, go on
writer: well, they go up a hill
editor: i’m already bored
writer: to fetch a pail of water
editor: kill me
writer: no trust me it gets better
Customer: is it 4 wheel drive?
Me [counting the wheels]: yeah
Customer: no like can it go off-road?
Me [looking around showroom]: well yeah
Stop filtering your teeth on your selfies goddammit they can be seen from space
No Karen; a stable relationship is not
when you move in with the horses.
Before posting each tweet, I ask myself: Does it bring me joy? Will it bring joy to others? I never wait for the answer.
Thought I was having the worst day a person could have and then heard the guy in the next stall whisper to himself, “Well, that can’t be good.”
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Transformers: Human Centipede was a bit disappointing…
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Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room