I try extra hard during sex because I never know if there’s a chameleon secretly watching me.
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My veterinarian asked a lot of personal questions. He was all like “Why do you want so much horse tranquilizer?” & “Do you even own horses?”
Some of these fake tans look like an old Tupperware container that’s had marinara sauce in it.
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
People who make up phrases and try to pass them off as popular sayings are just throwing meat to the monkeys in the middle of a maelstrom.
The water main broke in my hotel which means no water until 3am. This is how the front desk employee broke the news: “You all have 2 flushes left. Make them count.”
DAUGHTER: [burying pet rabbit in the garden] Goodbye Mr Hoppers. I’ll miss you!
ME: [to wife] Doesn’t it have to be dead first?
them: With great power comes great responsibility
me: *shuts off electricity*
wow, ok, unfollowing now. was a huge fan of his cooking. had no idea he was exploiting the labor of a marginalized rat
why pay a therapist to pinpoint your flaws when people on Twitter will tell you for free
Him: It’s like people are going feral.
Me: *looks in mirror*
*tries to run fingers through my hair*
*hand gets stuck in rat’s nest*
*flicks ham off my shirt*
*takes deep breath*
*straightens shoulders*
*lifts chin*It’s finally my time to shine. I shall be their leader.
[toddlers, ordering in a restaurant] “garçon! your freshest fish crackers, for the lady, and for me – the sauce of one apple.”
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Me: we’ve got to get this teenager out of the house
Her: great, you can teach him to drive
Me: *googling “affordable college no high school diploma”*
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
“What’s that?”
I call it a ‘knife’
“Wow, that’s the best thing since bread!”
Gregory, I am about to blow your mind
“Holy infant so tender and mild.”
-cannibals
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
My dress code is business-casualty.
[first day of quidditch practice]
Remember kids, witches get snitches.
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Baker: Is there a problem?
Cannibal, returning a mincemeat pie: You’re damn right there’s a problem!
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
I like it thick and deep
Pizza
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
A British person, unable to stand upright due to the gust, leaves and twigs smashing into their head, with eyebrows blown clean from their face and sore eyes watering with tears quickly whipped away by the gale, is unable to resist uttering:
“Bit windy”
Be nice to Canadians, American tweeters. We’re going to need somewhere to go after this next election
people in fantasy novels absolutely love removing from their knapsack some bread and hard cheese
My kids practically have medical degrees they’re at the nurse so much.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them