Me: the doctor says my cholesterol is high
Wife: how high
My cholesterol: Dave’s not here man
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[on stage]
me: *takes a bow* thank you
Violinist: hey, I need that
My kid told me an “old dead girl” lives in her room and whispers to her at night. I hope they get along cuz I’m never going in there again.
Me making new accounts to get the free first month subscription:
[Life after lockdown]
My Hairstylist: WTF
My 5yo just sat down after doing some yard work and said “what a day” so I think he’s a dad now
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
My cardio is just me following my kids from room to room and turning off the lights.
Me: *watches six consecutive hours of SVU*
Also me (brushing teeth for two minutes twice a day): Thith ith bullthit.
Shout out to authentic Indian restaurants that encourage eating using only the hands.
They don’t give a fork.
Me: you should join Twitter.
Them: I don’t even like people.
Me: then you’re gonna love it.
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
[the invention of ping pong]
“I don’t want this tiny ball.”
“Well, neither do I.”
“That makes me very angry.”
“Me too.”
You don’t love me? Don’t worry, the first step is denial.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
NSFW tweet
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Unionize your workplace
If you zoom out during the opening credits of “Friends,” you’ll see that the security guard who protects that fountain is DEAD.
society: let’s give mothers their very own day
me: what about sharks?
society: we’ll give them a whole week
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
CUSTOMER SERVICE: is there anything else i can do for you
ME: you’ve been very helpful, can i have your name
CS: sure, it’s janice
JANICE: thank you
: you’re welcome
*visiting Egypt*
“What the hell, they walk like everybody else!”
customer: i’ll have the barbecue chicken thighs
me: i’ll bring you the barbecue, but there’s no need for hurtful nicknames
Most dead bodies are found by dog walkers or joggers.
Working theory: Dog walkers and joggers are serial killers.
Just found an egg in my armpit. These kids are getting better and better at hiding them every year.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
The best sandwich I ever had was roast beef and brie at the Museum of Natural History cafe. It’s a memory that gets me through the tough sandwiches.
is this a warning or an offer?
I tweet with an abundance of sexual undertones like I’m not a huge blusher with absolutely no game whatsoever.🤭