@shanethevein: Twitter is what happens when you take the red pill and the blue pill.
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@curlycomedy: How can you teach your child about adversity if you don't leave a diaper unchanged once in a while?
@anagramps: Welcome to night club. I know it's dark, but that's kinda the poi-- *metal screeching* Dammit Steve! I told you knight club is downstairs!
@funnybeachgirl: *walks up to fountain* *throws in a shiny penny* *crosses fingers* *makes wish* *looks over at mother-in-law* *does throat slash motion*
@iamspacegirl: ME: It would ring, and we would... Answer it. TEENS: but, like, how did you know who it WAS? ME *staring into the distance* We never did...