Him: Hey, you really think that doing all those shots are going to make you forget that you got fired?
Me: I got fired?
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Fact: Whiskey works for some illnesses because you get the illness drunk and it stumbles out of your body.
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.
[robbery]
ROBBER: Give me all your money!
ME: I don’t have it all with me.
ROBBER: Dang!
In medieval Europe, it was pretty easy to amass vast armies eager to go into battle and have their heads schwacked off because no one wanted to be alive in medieval Europe.
Cinderella: [changing clothes after the wedding, removes one shoe]
Prince Charming: omg babe where did you go
I’m out of tweets so I’m recycling some of my most dope MySpace status updates.
I made a smoothie with oat milk. It was horrible. So next time I will use this recipe:
1.) Take carton of oat milk. Change name on carton to boat milk with sharpie.
2.) Next, float it out to middle of lake.
3.) Last, light it on fire like a Viking funeral.
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever the hell is chasing me.
Instagram: “Look at my sushi!”
Vine: “Look at my sushi for six seconds!”
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
It’s like mama always says, you’ve gotta pickle your battles
Stick your battles in a jar
Pour brine all over your battles
Let those battles sit for months until they turn sour
Choose the juiciest battle and serve it with a nice pastrami sandwich
I dig, you dig, we dig, he dig, she dig, they dig…. Its not a beautiful poem, but its very deep.
Been asking what IDGAF means and so far I can’t say people’s responses have been that helpful
I try to explain to my kids during the movie that in reality, even a cowardly lion would eat a girl and a little dog.
Me: I’ll have an egg white omelette
Waiter: I’m sorry, sir. It’s after Labor Day.
I’m still angry about those Oreo Thins. I’m here waiting for TripleStuf and QuadrupleStuf and they’re all “we went the other way with it.”
I miss phone booths both as a source of loose change and also as protection against attacking seagulls
When you pick a name for your kid, type it in Microsoft Word first. If the red squiggly line shows up, please reconsider.
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
1. Get preg
2. Transfer ur soul to fetus using
Satanic alchemy
3. Give birth to yourself
4. Old body dies
5. Be a baby
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
Squid Game is so captivating because it’s about man’s greatest fear: being told to find a partner to team up with for a project
2019: Keep the change
(because I’m generous)2020: Keep the change
(because I’m not touching that)
Everyone’s a gangster until they have to roll forward while sitting in an office chair.
Most bags of sand live a tough life stopping floods. But some, the lucky ones, live a leisurely life tied to the basket of a hot air balloon
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
Ayy girl, are you Ohio? Because we should be Dayton.
[first day as a genetic scientist]
co-worker: how did everything just fly off the shelves
me: *sliding new telekinetic cat behind me with my foot* iunno
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
I hate hotel duvets. They are so thick, i can’t close my suitcase.