God grant me the patience to accept the people whose outfits I cannot change.
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My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
20: sometimes you see someone so basic you just know they listen to the Beatles
Me: hey!
20: oh it’s okay for you to listen to the Beatles. You’re old
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Orcas are the Canadian geese of the ocean.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
Yes I wore a $900 fuchsia southern belle dress to your kid’s baptism. When I was your bridesmaid, you said I could always wear it again.
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I couldn’t remember my speech at a funeral today so I improvised with a magic trick and sawed the coffin in half
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
The idea is to just keep scrolling on your phone until you die.
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
Why do coffee beans smell so good, and coffee breath is like bleh?
three things we don’t talk about
[on a first date]
Her: I don’t like guns
Me: *casually unrolls my t-shirt sleeves*
That sinking feeling when you realize you forgot to lock your clubhouse when you were 8, and it’s probably all infested now with girls
Me: It’s time for your nap.
6: I don’t wanna take a nap!!
M: First off, don’t talk back to me. Second, I was talking to me.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
I USED VOLUME MAXIMIZING SHAMPOO THIS MORNING SO YES I DO HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM IN YOUR FACE OFFICER
My wife just got the bar tab and yelled “Oh my god.” That can’t be good.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Sorry to all the people my 3yo has yelled at for eating ice cream in a car.
Telling him it was illegal was wrong. I know this now.
May rob a bank just to get a few short, sweet years away from the kids.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Ever smell a permanent marker and accidently color the tip of your nose black?
Related: They’re called permanent markers for a reason.
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
a stormtrooper’s favorite store is the one next to target
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Marvel just revealed the title we’ve all been waiting for.
Spiderman: You’ll Probably Have To Watch It At Home