[First date] You didn’t google the menu before you came to the restaurant? This isn’t going to work.
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Guys are at their mathematical best when a girl says she is pregnant.
After the machine uprising, robots in the club will dance “The Human” by compulsively overeating and playing with their phones on the toilet
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
When a really horrible person dies I always like to think of it as them being recalled.
It was all over when he said, “It must have been an obstacle illusion.”
I’m having an out of money experience.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
*throws roll of duck tape into a pond*
Go little guy, you’re free now.
It creeps me out when my dog watches my wife and I have sex. We hide the videotapes, but he always finds them.
Wait you misunderstood. When I called you “doll face,” I was referring to Chucky.
The 6 or so days between Christmas and New Year’s is truly No Man’s Land. Like am I supposed to sleep all day? Get my life together? Spend the entire day watching TikToks? Hang out with my parents? Are we in 2019 or 2020? What do I eat besides Christmas cookies?
[me narrating a documentary about narrators]
“I can’t hear what they’re saying cuz I’m talking”
Me: New rule, if you leave the dinner table without saying “Excuse me,” we will assume you’re done and I will eat the remaining fries right off your plate.
9yo: should we tell 5yo once she gets back to the table?
Me: (speaking through a mouthful of 5yo’s fries) nah
It’s not a hangover. It’s wine flu.
This lesbian couple nailed their pregnancy announcement
It’s not really family vacation until everyone is crying because of sun poisoning, you’ve lost at least 3 bikini tops in the ocean, and your spouse is just staring off into nowhere regretting all decisions that led up to this point in life
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
My child’s math problem says that Lisa bought 5 loaves of bread that cost $0.25 each and 6 lbs of beef that cost $1.25 per pound and the only information I need is where does Lisa do her grocery shopping.
doctors before an x-ray be like “dont worry this is perfectly safe” and then the dude goes to egypt to press a button
“please retain for your records” – bold of you to assume that I, a person who still has to dig boxes out of the trashcan bc i forgot to read the recipe, have “records.”
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
A cat has contracted the COVID-19 disease. Don’t ask Meow
Comedian does amazing perfect crowd work
It’s so funny when someone writes a song to try to get someone to have sex with them. That’s what a bird would do!
I become instantly beautiful when I put on my sunglasses.
-Every girl, ever.
To understand the difference between Italians and Canadians all you need to know is two things. Italian sausage and Canadian bacon…
My wife went to dinner with her cousin, and is supposed to bring me home some dessert. She should have been home an hour ago, and I’m getting a little worried about my cake.
I’m sorry if I always sound angry when I speak, but I’m a parent and I suffer from a condition called Resting Batman Voice.