Twitter keeps throwing in “in case you missed it” on my timeline…. I’ve been on twitter for the last 16 hours, I didnt miss it.
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Dear car commercials,
You probably don’t mean to scare me but “German engineering” is also why I don’t have so many cousins today.
Twitter is like if the bad news bears went to a team-building retreat
VICTIM: First time murdering? I have a suggestion.
ME (sharpening my gun): Go on.
Some people are just better left alone.
In a jacket, in a room with padded walls.
Meeting my friend’s new kid is always awkward. I mean, do I let them smell my hand before I pet it or just go right in?
If love is blind, why the hell can I still see my husband standing there with a tank top tucked into his shorts.
If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.
Me (getting choked): who called it getting new tires
Guy (who is choking me): how are you breathing
Me (dying): and not a retirement plan
Physiotherapist: So tell me how you injured yourself?
Me: Rock climbing.
PT:
Me:
PT:
Me: *whispers* taking off my sports bra.
Throw away mascara that is empty???? no no no why would I do that? instead I keep them all in my makeup bag and give myself a little game of “which one of these 10 identical tubes is full?” it’s very fun and ruins every single one of my mornings
I was wondering what was poking my stomach and it was a potato chip I had with my lunch that fell down my shirt. Damn we even took a nap together.
The first rule of fight club is: you do not tell mom that I let you watch fight club, kids
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
[throws grenade into enemy trench]
Me: shit, give that back. That was an avocado
You don’t know terror until your kids drive and you’re paying their car insurance.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
My son is petrified of thunder. I told him that is ridiculous, it’s the lightning that will kill him.
Thank you. I am completely satisfied by your explanation and have no further questions.
– No child ever.
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
Let’s take a moment to be thankful that ponytails don’t wag like dog tails when we’re excited.
Why’s it called landing a husband? Are single men floating just above me like airplanes, and does getting engaged require an air traffic control certification
The only things certain in life are death, taxes, and forgetting my reusable grocery bags.
Slack jaw. Vacant eyes. All symptoms of someone listening to me talk.
911: Could you hide in the closet?
Me: yes oh God no, there’s no room!
911: Under the bed?
Me: I can’t fit!!
Son: Coming ready or not
Me: shit
911: shit
I wonder how many of these NSA agents have a crush on me.
My husband said he didn’t want to order dessert but then he ate half of mine so I think we must have entered into some sort of parallel universe or something
Remember back when we had energy? Those were the days.
I’ve stolen so much stuff from work that some of my colleagues now have to work at my house