@iGreenBabe: Twitter makes me want to have drinks with people I've never met, and Facebook makes me want to throw drinks at people I already know.
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@odannyboy: DC: Wonder Woman is too complex for a movie. Marvel: We just made $100m on a movie featuring a talking raccoon and a walking tree. In space.
@XplodingUnicorn: Me: What's the first step of fire safety? 4-year-old: Stay away from dragons. Me: 4: Me: Well, obviously.
@david8hughes: [son's football game] Other dad: which one's yours? Me: I can't remember. I just wait for him in the car when the games over