As I find myself in yet another room without remembering why, it’s apparent my wisdom teeth are doing nothing for me.
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2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for you
2 for me, 1 for youMe, handing out Halloween candy
If this guy doesn’t stop staring at my boobs, well then, I’m just gonna have to wear this shirt more often.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
Every night, as I scoop the clumps of waste from the litter box, I wonder to myself what it would be like to have a cat.
Coworker: You know how some days you just don’t want to go to work?
Me: WAIT! There are days you DO want to be here?!
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
That moment the school calls because 15 was caught drinking at school and it’s still the same principal that had to call your parents.
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
Boy becomes Jedi, gets married, turns evil, has twins, becomes Darth Vader, complicated crap, ewoks. Boom, STAR WARS. You’re welcome, girls.
Old joke:
Guy checks in at the airport and says: “I want this bag to go to Cleveland, this bag to go to Miami, and this bag to go to Las Vegas.”
Employee: “We can’t do that sir.”
Customer: “You did it last year.”
[high school]
ME: *getting stuffed in my locker* jokes on you buddy, I have snacks in here
My wife put toilet paper on automatic purchase and delivery from Amazon so we never run out.
Challenge accepted!
Hey feminists, 70% of a penny for your thoughts?
5-year-old: What happens if the baby pees?
Pregnant wife: She won’t. She waits till she’s born
5: Right. Just like no one pees in the pool
Me: I’ll take these shovels. Do you carry limes
Cashier: *suspicious* Do you mean lime?
Me: Which one goes in rum and coke?
Cashier: Limes
Me: The other one, the dead body one
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
Me: let’s go vegetarian
Husband: can we still eat eggs
M: of course
H: fish?
M: obviously
H: bacon on special occas-
M: we’d be crazy not to
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
The closer the wasp is, the slower the window rolls up.
It’s real life horror movie science
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
Pro Tip : Don’t shout at a mate going through airport security “You are the bomb dude, you are the bomb !!”
[inventing worcestershire sauce]
Lea: We’ll bottle pickled anchovy juice and name it unpronounceable.
Perrins: That might work.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
ME: My name is Nigel and I’m an alcoholic.
AA GROUP: Hi Nigel.*cut to confessional camera*
ME: I’m here to WIN, not to make friends.
Sleeping in a tent is so relaxing. You can hear the leaves rustling, the loons calling out on the lake and, if you listen closely, whimpering teenagers crying out softly “wifi, wifiiiii”.
life hack: toss a couple tennis balls into your dryer to make it louder