@stockejock: Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, 'Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?'
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@Barknado69: Friend: just make small talk *later, on date* Me: so...grains of sand Her: uh yea- Me: dwarves Her: are u okay- Me: bottle caps
@Heartblakekid15: My parents would hide fruit roll ups on top of the refrigerator where I couldn't reach them. And leave chemicals under the sink.
@MrAdamBez: *gets sentenced to 25 years in prison* *opens twitter app* *looks up* *being released*
@RealSudoNim: One of life's great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say "Great minds think alike".