Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
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Doctor: “You have an arrhythmia.”
Me: “Wow, most people tell me I can’t dance.”
There’s something strangely unsettling about the petting zoo selling hamburgers.
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
No baby, I’m not dumping you. I’m just rebranding myself as your ex.
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
When someone says “Idaho”, I still respond by saying “Udaho!” and I will never stop.
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
I feel so envious when I see young mothers pushing their babies in strollers. I want my OWN…..my own stroller & someone to push me.
Me: I drink vodka mainly because of my Russian roots
Him: You don’t have Russian roots
Me: *cracks open to reveal a slightly smaller me inside*
Isaac Newton was the pride of the family until his great great grandson Fig was born.
Marvel’s new superhero sounds pretty shit 😕😕😕
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
If the wife and I ever separate, she’ll definitely miss having a finger jammed in her mouth whenever she yawns
Most of us were taught to never get in cars with strangers, so taxi cabs make absolutely no sense.
The way my kids use sunscreen they’ll never get a sunburn on their bathroom floor
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
I wish I had the confidence of my son who just ate 3 sushi rolls before his 2 hour baseball practice.
george hails a cab driven by the grim reaper call it death cab for clooney.
Blink once if you’re ok and Blink 182 if you ditched your career to find UFO’s.
If you can’t stand me at my worst then WAIT COME BACK HERE WHERE ARE YOU GOING
When my wife says “oh hi it’s nice to meet you” to my coworkers it’s code for I know all the jerk things you’ve done
Me: I have the hiccups. You know what that means.
Wife: You’re about to get mad?
Me: That’s right. If they’re not gone in the next 15 minutes, I’m buying a gun.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
My 7y/o son walked in without eyebrows and I was just about to put him in timeout for shaving them off when I noticed tweezers in my dog’s crate and now I don’t know who to punish.
Customer: Excuse me, are you the manager? Those Xmas Hams are expired
Manager: Um…
[changes sign to “Vintage Hams”]Hipster: I’ll take 4
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
A charcuterie board is about what’s on top of the board? I thought y’all were picking side items to make eating wood more palletable.
I told my kids to sit Kriss Kross applesauce and now they’re jumping