@Bdell1014: Twitter removed my tweet for whatever reason but here it is again
YOU MIGHT ALSO LIKE
@captainkalvis: CUSTOMER: id like buy a turtle, please ME: ok CUSTOMER: and make it quick ME: *grabbing him by the collar* DO I LOOK LIKE GOD TO YOU
@Jennuflect: [taking my final breaths after a freak accident] Tell my family I totes love them *gasping for air* but like, roll your eyes real hard
@gaynorlsimpson: How to stop an unwanted DM. Hi, how are you? Me: Well, my ex has me on a wanted list because I'm a psychotic cow, how are you?