Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
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Yo yo yo, I just killed some dude,
Shot to the head, now my life is screwed,
Momma don’t cry, it’s not your life that’s in tatters,
Carry on, carry on, because nothing really mattersBohemian Rap-sody
POLICE OFFICER: I won’t ticket you, but — and this is a big but…
SIR MIX-A-LOT: I like where this is going
[finds money in jacket]
nice
[finds more money in pants]
Today is my day. On a roll
Boss: will you please take my jacket & pants off?
Inside you are two wolves. One is dressed as your grandmother. The other is huffing & puffing & attempting to blow your house down.
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
[skydiving]
cute instructor: open your chute!
me: lol make me
Hey guys I’m so thrilled to announce that I’ll no longer be thinking! This has been a lifelong goal, and I’m so grateful to everyone who helped get me here
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
[robber pulls gun]
ME: take my money but please don’t hurt me i’m an only child
MY DAD: [yelling from the car] he’s lying he has a brother
Sorry, can’t talk right now. Too busy thinking about how the only part of my reflection I can lick is my tongue.
Many people are surprised to hear I’m married because I scream it at them as I descend from their broken skylight in the dead of night.
tonight at the bar, ask a woman if you can buy her a drink. If she says yes, hand that lucky lady a Starbucks gift card and walk away
If you’re an adorable old person in a romcom, you’ve got a massive target on your back
The calories don’t count in the bites we have to take of our kid’s food to get them to eat it
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
God: you’re a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: w-what was that?
Baby Shark: sorry go ahead.
God: a baby shark-
Baby Shark: doo doo doo doo doo doo.
God: that’s like super annoying.
Baby Shark: hee hee.
God: doo doo doo-great now it’s stuck in my head.
if they didn’t want me to take the coins off a dead man’s eyes they would have moved the gumball machine further away.
Everyone is unique.
Except you.
You are not unique.
You are the only not unique person in human history.
Delta Airlines Execs: oh COME on!!
Corona Beer Execs: FINALLY!!
Gave myself a steam facial* today
*opened a bag of freshly popped popcorn too close to my face
Teen horror movies taught me one thing. Vampires really want to hang around with us.
I have one of those metal briefcases handcuffed to my wrist and inside…my grandmother’s meatloaf recipe.
1920’s: Women were fighting for equality and the poor were suffering while the rich prospered at their expense.
2020’s: Women are fighting for equality and the poor are suffering while the rich prosper at their expense but we have the Internet now.
I could never be a serial killer. There’s far too much cleaning.
Dr, “So you should continue to eat right, exercise, and get enough sleep.”
Me, “Continue?”
I saw on a package of condoms they had a money back guarantee. So how does that work? Do I just mail the baby to them?
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
If Bugs Bunny was as sarcastic in real life as he was in the cartoons I’d be like, “HOLY SHIT A TALKING RABBIT!”
Sorry I picked up your pug and ran him in for a touchdown.