Twitter: she’s on to us
Me: No no..it doesn’t matter, I love you
Twitter: I’m just an app
Me: ‘Presses finger to twitter lips. Shhhhhh
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My son sent me a text saying he has a new Lady Friend. I texted back, “Either you’re paying her by the hour or it’s 1885.”
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia
Both sides are the wrong side of the bed when you don’t wanna get up
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
Not sure what I did wrong to get targeted ads for pants with underwear sewn in.
“I ate thoup before it wath cool.”
– Hipthter
Is the stick figure with the halo on the back of the minivan the dead kid or the really good one? I’m too scared to ask.
I wanted to have sex with Uma Thurman until I saw her toes in Kill Bill.
If your date asks what you do for a living, just say “You let me worry about that.”
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
I’m concerned that some of you are experts in your fields of employment.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
HBO
HBO GO
HBO NOW
HBO MAX
HBO RAGNAROK
HBO TOKYO DRIFT
MAX
[deathbed]
ME: Give me that sword & I’ll haunt it when I die
SON: I made this
[hands me cake]
ME: No!
[dies]
CAKE: [in my voice] God damn it
They put rubber bands on lobster claws to prevent them from being on their phones all day.
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
‘Always be prepared’ apparently doesn’t apply to ANY OF THE PEOPLE IN FRONT OF ME AT THE PASSPORT FACILITY
*someone hands me a baby*
Oh… no thank you
*places baby on the ground*
♫ Hey there Delilah, can we handle this discreetly
My stomach reacted badly
after eating old zucchini ♪
and I just pooooed ♫
My friend’s company gave harmonica keychains to the kids at the family holiday party because they apparently want their employees to hate being at home more than they hate being at work.
[inventing that little handle inside the car]
engineer: what if there was a way for the driver’s mother to wordlessly express her mortal terror?
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Me: digging up to the surface for a bit
Worm Wife: why
Me: idk because I can sense that it’s raining?? How does this not interest you
Worm Wife: you’ll shrivel up you know…
Me: You’re crazy, it’s so wet out there 😂
Me: think I’m gonna crawl across the entire driveway 😳
The first million people to send me $1.00 will get a copy of my guide on how to become a millionaire on Twitter.
Wife: have you seen the dog bowl?
Me: no, is he any good?
Apostrophes are important.
“I fed the dog”
“I f’ed the dog”
Learn this simple rule. Your friendship with Sarah McLachlan depends on it.
Okay stranger, it’s clear that we walk at the exact same pace, speed up or at least hold my hand.
normal brain: “you’re now unsubscribed from our mailing list”
big brain: “please tell us why you’ve unsubscribed”
exploding brain: “type in the email address you’d like us to remove from our list”
galaxy brain: “please log in and visit your account settings to select which lis