Twitter should give you 5,000 followers when you start and then you have to try and lose them.
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It sounds mean, but my best friend sent me a card with glitter in it, so the next time I see her I’m going to have to punch her in the face.
A good way to get people to stop showing you baby pictures is after each one say, “Can I keep this?”
I swallow at least one note per meal that says “we’re all really proud of you,” in case the person who does my autopsy is having a bad day.
People will say they don’t want to be lied to and then read fiction. Bro, pick a lane.
Something I ordered off ebay 8 months ago just arrived. Package says “by air”, so I’m assuming it was attached to a paper airplane.
Always buy ‘hand wash only’ shirts whenever you want to wear something once and then throw it into a ‘hand wash only’ basket for 15 years.
Worst things the parents do on Home Alone:
3. Never punish Buzz
2. Forget one of their kids
1. Try to make everyone drink milk with pizza
thesaurus had the greatest vocabulary of all the dinosaurs
Moving is a lot more fun when you make the Movers carry you on top of the mattress like an Egyptian pharaoh
Me: *showing the priest a gif of a dog chasing his tail* Haha it’s like he never stops
Priest: Ok but I said “Bring the GIFTS to the alter”
Billy Joel seems remarkably unfazed by the old man sitting next to him making love to his tonic and gin.
“YOU WANNA TAKE THIS OUTSIDE?” – guy that just got a new kite for his birthday
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
I wanna see Quentin Tarantino direct a remake of Wizard of Oz
When you’re alone in your room, start doing karate so ghosts know what’s up.
Just had an email from a reader who is a vegetarian. Complaining about too much vegan food on menus. And asking for my sympathy and support. I intend to think very seriously about this issue.
Him: i like a girl who’s not afraid to take charge
Me, a rhinoceros: nice
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Mom A at the park: We allow 1 hour of screen time a week
Mom B: We are a screen-free home
Me: My daughter named her new doll PBS Kids Dot Org
Well well well…if it isn’t the clothes I left in dryer last Sunday.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
[wakes up screaming]
HER: you’re safe now, what was the dream?
ME: I was on a diet
I’m not above army crawling down an aisle at the grocery store to avoid small talk with an acquaintance.
Husband: Uses one pillow for his pillow wall.
Me: Adds 4 pillows, 12 bricks and 5 feet of 15.5 gauge barbed wire.
Me: I love you so much
Calories: I love you more
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
*uses Oujia board*
SMELLS LIKE UPDOG
me: what’s updog?
NOT MUCH, DOG, JUST ABOUT TO POSSESS YOUR CAT
me: what
cat: what
*my boss going around the room to figure out what employees are most incentivized by
Me: FOREHEAD KISSES