Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
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Him: I love nerd girls!
Me: If you have more than 2 freckles, then every freckle on your body makes a triangle. If you move around, every triangle changes shape. That’s how I picture multiple universes.
Him: no. not like that
pandemic day 1: i hope we all survive this deadly pandemic
pandemic day 664: me and my friends have beef with Elmo now
If I get on an empty elevator and I see a group of people coming, I will hit the close door button 27 times in 3 seconds.
The Katy Perry song that goes, “You’re hot and you’re cold,” was actually about a microwaveable burrito.
Weird how Superman’s an alien but looks exactly like a white dude & then he landed in Kansas & not say, mainland China
[text]
me: miss you, love you, wish you were hereDomino’s : we said 30 min or less
Boys are cute how they’re all “I like girls that don’t wear heavy makeup” and “get down from that tree near my window or I’ll call the cops”
*eats a carrot*
*checks off new year’s resolution*
Can we all agree that “K” is not short for “OK,” it’s short for STFU?
If it weren’t for bad decisions, I’d be pretty indecisive.
Friday
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
Manslaughter: I always used to read it as ‘man’s laughter’.
Seems oddly appropriate for someone who’s got away with murder…
“do you live under a rock?” you ask. i pick up a very big rock and you watch, astounded, as i descend into my elaborate tunnel system that stretches for miles
one time my grandma told me about a secret menu at burger king that involved a police escort to a second burger king
I had a dream that IKEA offered a ride sharing service and nobody could figure out how to get out of the car.
The sacred dance of avoiding eye contact with people you know in the grocery store.
“My pleasure, doll”
“My pleasure doll”Commas can make a world of difference…
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
I can never remember. Is it stalactite or stalagmite that’s the bad one?
[bank robbery]
Me: *whispers to other hostages* okay listen, nobody’s gonna die on my watch. It’s very expensive and I don’t want any blood on it
What if deer stare at our headlights because they’re trying to use the force to stop the car and when one actually stops their deer squad is in the woods watching and just losing their minds over it
Blackberry just announced a new CEO, but the most newsworthy part of this story is that Blackberry still exists.
My husband will eat anything that has the word “Cowboy” in it so tonight I’m making Cowboy Kale and boy howdy is he gonna like it!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: my wife left me for some guy at that rental car company
FRIEND: hertz?
ME: yeah [holding back tears] it really does
Gym Bro: Dude, you gotta lift with your legs!
Me: I’ll eat this whole chicken any way I damn well please!
I swear, my kids will make me drive them to my own funeral. And then to the mall.
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.