Twitter should have ” Throwing tomato” button.
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Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
Me: I made GORP for our hike
Her: peanut m&ms and miniature marshmallows
Me: yeah, in handy single servings
Her: they’re gallon ziplock bags
Chickens are proof that God loves us by creating a tasty bird that can barely fly.
An alternate Batman origin story where Bruce’s parents are slowly pushed off a ledge by Catwoman.
mobster: are you wearing a wire?
me: *speaking directly into the potted plant I’m carrying* no, of course not
Her: You seem so relaxed and comfortable with your mask on.
Me: [quietly sucks pacifier behind mask] *shrugs*
Congrats to my tween for graduating at the top of his class from eye roll university.
Darude Sandstorm is my favorite pokemon
I don’t believe that twitter is the place for arguments.
We all have family for that..
The banking industry gave me unrealistic expectations that it was ok to fail
Of course you have no regrets. Regrets are for people smart enough to know they could have done better.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
As a kid one Christmas Eve I set out dog biscuits instead of cookies and it turned out Santa was not a jolly old elf. Not. At. All.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [decides to vacuum house]
An advantage of working at home is enjoying your cat’s company. It would be nice though if she did some typing, light filing, and answered some phone calls
Remember when the current stupidest thing was the “Gotta Get Down on Friday” song? We didn’t know how good we had it.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
Cop: Know why I stopped u?
Cuz u JUST CAN’T FIGHT THIS FEELING ANYMORE?
Cop: I’VE FORGOTTEN WHAT WE STARTED FIGHTIN FOOOR
For speeding.
Do you think transformers go clubbing at auto dealerships?
Million Dollar Idea: Footwear that loudly screeches “go away” when people get too close. They’re called SHOOS. (Patent Pending.)
Being an adult on the internet is weird because you’ll see a trending article with a headline like, “Here’s a picture of what money looked like before Venmo!”
It stops being sexy if you wait 14 hours to reply back.
I wish I could be like my cable company’s customer service line and make people press 37 different numbers before they can talk to me.
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
still processing the fact the US government was like yeah, aliens are real and coming more and more often, and we were all like listen it’s been a hard year lol and then we just didn’t talk about it again
I started a book club. A coloring book club. There’s a line to get in. We’re never on the same page. Nothing’s black & white. We’re well red
Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer. Marry your enemy. Grow old together. Watch your enemy die.
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it