Twitter should offer Shkreli his account back for $10,000 and if he agrees say sorry and suddenly raise the price 5600%
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ME: welcome to my man cave.
PROCTOLOGIST: please stop calling it that.
I’d have saved a fortune in Botox if my mama had been right and my face had frozen like that
I’m about to risk it all
Yesterday I wanted a pizza. Today I’m eating one.
Fight for your dreams.
I don’t know who’s having a worse day, the bird that’s repeatedly flying into my dining room window or my dog.
[spelling bee]
moderator: your word is abandon
me: can you use it in a sentence?
moderator: everyone you love will abandon you
me: omg
moderator: lol no not even close
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.
Recipes that call for cheese are always 2 cups short.
Want to feel old? Have sex with someone your own age.
Watching my kids inspecting the French dips I made like I’m about to defend a dissertation
Them: and what is this?
Me: that is ..(checks notes).. Provolone cheese, ma’am
Them: hmmmmm….
me: what’s your favorite part of fall?
4: jumping in piles of leaves
me: that’s fun. do you like anything else?
4: money
Bros, I have a code-red bro alrert. My wife tried the lawn mower and now she knows it’s fun af. She wants to trade chores! Help me!
[while hiking I slip off the edge of a cliff but bend into a boomerang shape and fly precisely back up to my original spot and continue hiking]
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
There are two good reasons never to drink water from the toilet. No 1 and No 2s!
This chick just said Q as in cucumber.
I’ma just focus on me.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
Ya remember when arguing with people on the internet was fun?
Yea. Me nether.
I threw a parking cone at someone. I am the drunkest person in the United states.
[First Date]
Me: So this has been great.
*moves in for a kiss*
Me: Jesus, a little handsy there.
Octopus: I can’t… I can’t help it.
Me: “Would you like to go on a date?”
Her: “Yes”
Me: “Yeah, it’s cool, I was kind of kidding anyway.”
“Wait, what?!”
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
Home buyer: I want to live close to nature!
*wildlife shows up*
Home buyer: Not like that.
As an alpha male, I rebuke rollercoasters. I will not be jostled and flown along a silly track according to another man’s engineering. Flipping around some pervert’s dream. And what if I squeal??
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
To apply for a job at Hooters do they hand you a bra and say, “Here, just fill this out.” ?
-Why do you carry that lazy dog on your shoulders, he can walk
-Mind your business
-Looks like dog actually wants to get down
-I forgot my coat, okay?