@_correctomundo: Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.
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@liv_thatsme: "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH MY 40 POUNDS OF SPINACH?" Me: I cooked it for you. It's over there, on that teaspoon.
@ch000ch: i tried to ask a girl out today but i messed up my words and accidentally summoned a demon. anyway, whats a good first date for a demon
@TheTobbie: Someone on my street has taken up the clarinet, which has inspired me to take up the sniper rifle...