@_correctomundo: Twitter should send notifications when you're about to get fired and divorced.
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@sarcasm_inc: "2015 AND PETSMART STILL DOESN'T HAVE FITTING ROOMS," I say somewhat loudly as Fluffy has to try on sweaters right there in the aisle.
@therealeatwood: ME: So you indicate action using airstrikes? HER: What? No, I said asterisks. ME: Ha, of course. [to walkie-talkie] Disengage. DISENGAGE!
@EndhooS: Taco guy: guac costs extra Obi Wan: [wafts hand] guac is free Taco Guy: guac is free… Anakin: why'd u even pay for the taco? Obi Wan: dammit
@Audenary: 'What other miracles can you do?' Jesus: I can varnish 'You mean vanish?' J: *running finger over a beautiful oak table* aha, not quite