Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
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I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
Gonna turn my life around!
[10 min later]
Oh well, I tried.
If you watch the Mighty Ducks backwards it’s about a hockey team that starts sucking so bad that the coach leaves and becomes an alcoholic.
{Favorite Halloween Prank at Walmart}
Old Lady: Your son is adorable
4 yr. old: *running down aisles*
Me: Mam’ My son died 10 years ago.
I like how the Tooth Fairy got the job, and then subbed it out to everyone’s parents. That’s called “business savvy.”
[hears baby crying]
Wife: can you go check on him
Me: there’s no way he’s finished in the bath already
Sometimes an person unexpectedly comes into your life, makes your heart race and has such an impact on your life.
Just didn’t want it to be a cop.
me: Did you brush your teeth?
9: Yes
me *hands him a glass of orange juice*
9: Do I have to?
me: Yep. Told you not to touch my Cheetos
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
Kids are fun cause they tell you sweet things like mom you should bedazzle that pimple.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
There should be a horror movie where an item associated with childhood innocence is unexpectedly evil
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
[on deathbed – calls for son]
“…..if you highlight the shit out of a document, people will think you read it…..”
*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
When you take that selfie, make sure your bathroom mirror doesn’t look like a small mouse had a sex party on it the night before.
Whenever I motorboat a stripper, I spend more time on the left boob cuz its closer to the heart. I’m a die hard romantic.
If you disagree with someone, just slap them with a fish.
Someone is selling a rot iron table on Craigslist ..wonder If they would trade for a dictionary
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
Baby Dinosaur: Mama, are we born just to die?
Dinosaur: No, baby. One day we’ll also become toxic fuels for idiot meat robots
My son hates how I fuss about his birthday at his workplace.
So this year the Mariachi band will not be wearing hats.
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
That pet Koala is like, “Ain’t y’all pets too?”
heat abroad: gorgeous. breezy. you feel like a glamorous italian princess standing by the coastline staring at the clear sea with the wind in your skirt
heat in the UK: you feel like a dog in a hot car. there’s no wind even with windows open. you now live in a pool of sweat
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
Brain: Let’s play a game.
Me: What?
Brain: Remember where you parked before the ice cream melts.
Me: Fuuuuu……